Television Now Available!

Your favorite television shows are back with new episodes!

You like that show with the crazy boss? Tune in to see his latest hijinks! You like the show with the crazy boss who is stupid too? Tune in at a slightly earlier time and see what happens!

You like shows where people dance? You have no fewer than nine reality variants for your viewing pleasure! All of them feature scantily-clad women and judges with orange skin! What a feeling!

Do you like shows that feature bloody corpses, grizzled banter, and initials? Tune in at 9pm CST on every channel and you’ll have dismembered human appendages coming out your ass! Be prepared to learn more about perverse sexual deviancy than you could ever hope to forget!

Do you like shows that feature banal witticisms, unclever double entendres, and the Emmy-winning antics of Mr. Jon Cryer? Then watch Two and a Half Men and kill yourself.

Do you like pompous blowhards speaking in elevated tones and interrupting each other? FOX News and MSNBC are on the air!

Do you like sitcoms that star Jenna Elfman for some reason? Then watch Accidentally on Purpose, but hurry, because it’s going fast!

Do you like footage of Billy Crystal slowly, awkwardly removing his clothes? Then turn on your computers, turn off your content filters, and hop on the internet – it’s out there somewhere!

Television – it’s like radio, but with cleavage!

This entry was posted in Best of the JLP, Raves. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Television Now Available!

  1. kevin s. says:

    “Be prepared to learn more about perverse sexual deviancy than you could ever hope to forget!”

    You are a pot of James Spader to Maggie Gyllenhaal’s kettle on this count.

  2. Jeff H says:

    I wanna watch a show where a fat, stupid guy is married to a thin, hot, wise-cracking wife who rolls her eyes and belittles him as he does stupid thing after stupid thing. Can I find a show like that?

  3. peter says:

    Jeff, I have written several sternly-worded letters to television executives demanding such programming. They cannot ignore us forever!

  4. tim hopps says:

    Guys, there IS such a show! It’s called The Flintstones, and it’s on Saturday mornings. At least it was last time I watched TV on a Saturday morning… it may not still be airing. Check your local TV listings.

  5. peter says:

    The Flintstones is fine, but I’ve never felt that Barney was enough of a horny sex addict to be a funny friend character.

  6. tim hopps says:

    You’re right… not like the horny sex addict Barney on the Andy Griffith show. No wonder Thelma Lou always looked exhausted.

  7. peter says:

    You’re right! Barney Fife loved having sex!

  8. mustard seed says:

    Excuse me, as an 8 year old fan of the Flintstones I am most certain I have no idea what you are discussing.

  9. Thom says:

    Do you like sitcoms that star Jenna Elfman for some reason? Then watch Accidentally on Purpose, but hurry, because it’s going fast!

    Yeah, CBS just canceled this and announce they are expanding Two and a Half Men to four hours. It will include a segment with a dance competition.

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