Your favorite television shows are back with new episodes!
You like that show with the crazy boss? Tune in to see his latest hijinks! You like the show with the crazy boss who is stupid too? Tune in at a slightly earlier time and see what happens!
You like shows where people dance? You have no fewer than nine reality variants for your viewing pleasure! All of them feature scantily-clad women and judges with orange skin! What a feeling!
Do you like shows that feature bloody corpses, grizzled banter, and initials? Tune in at 9pm CST on every channel and you’ll have dismembered human appendages coming out your ass! Be prepared to learn more about perverse sexual deviancy than you could ever hope to forget!
Do you like shows that feature banal witticisms, unclever double entendres, and the Emmy-winning antics of Mr. Jon Cryer? Then watch Two and a Half Men and kill yourself.
Do you like pompous blowhards speaking in elevated tones and interrupting each other? FOX News and MSNBC are on the air!
Do you like sitcoms that star Jenna Elfman for some reason? Then watch Accidentally on Purpose, but hurry, because it’s going fast!
Do you like footage of Billy Crystal slowly, awkwardly removing his clothes? Then turn on your computers, turn off your content filters, and hop on the internet – it’s out there somewhere!
Television – it’s like radio, but with cleavage!