Halloween Draws Nigh

Look out, Halloween is right around the corner!

In eager expectation of this accursed eve, lanterns have been lit, skulls have been hung, and goats have been violated in the seasonal aisles of Wal-Mart by unenthusiastic employees!

Before we know it, we’ll be inundated with legions of children dressed as hobgoblins and deep sea fishermen with Hepatitis B. Bowls of bite-sized Milky Ways will be tossed in the air to attract feeble-minded passersby as homeless men thrust their pelvises and bellow haggard barks of satisfaction. All will be made right when the clock strikes midnight and the world vomits in unison with unbridled Satanic glee. Halloween is upon us!

Draw nearer to me, my pig! Feel the hot lickspittle from my lips sting your face! Smell the stale blast of cottage cheese on my breath as I hold you down and shout Halloween-related tidings at you!

At last!

Halloween is almost here! Mount the celebration device and let us begin!

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4 Responses to Halloween Draws Nigh

  1. tim hopps says:

    “Draw nearer to me, my pig! Let the hot lickspittle fly from my lips sting your face! Smell the stale blast of cottage cheese on my breath as I hold you down and shout Halloween-related tidings at you!”

    Best ever. You’ve outdone yourself.

  2. peter says:

    I’m basically like a Satanic Mark Twain.

  3. Sarah says:

    ok….as long as the celebration device I’m mounting is in the form of a mechanical bull.

  4. kevin s. says:

    On a related note, it would be cute if you dressed Oliver up as asparagus.

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