It appears that I’m the first person to arrive for work today. As I write this, it is 6:40am and I’m sitting in a dimly-lit workroom, still bundled and bloated in my winter coat like a sentient, depressed Chipotle burrito.
I got up this morning much earlier than usual to assist my lovely wife with our crying child. After Oliver eventually fell back asleep, my wife retreated to bed and I went ahead with my morning routine about 45 minutes ahead of schedule. The end result of this is the fact that I’m now alone in the school. I am but a beleaguered apparition shuffling silently through the vacant hallways of remorse.
How might I take advantage of this rare opportunity? Should I yell some of my swear words really loud? Should I correct tests naked? Should I correct the anotomical inaccuracies contained in some of the drawings on the middle school boy’s bathroom stalls? It appears that the world is my dark, wintery oyster this morning.
Oh wait. Nevermind. Apparently, I’m not alone – I just saw a custodian. He must think along the same lines I do, because his shirt is totally unbuttoned.
Man, that guy’s belly is really hairy. He seriously makes Khalid Sheikh Mohammed look like the epitome of fine grooming.
Anyway, long story short, I’ve spent so long writing this and thinking about KSM’s fat, hairy neck that I just missed my first hour class.