American Icicle

On this most glorious Sunday morning, Bridgette and I returned from our workout to find the most majestic, awesome icicle ever beheld by human eyes hanging from our very own garage.

Estimated by scientists to measure more than 15 feet in length and weigh 75 pounds, this icicle embodied all that is mighty and pure about the USA. Like George Washington’s chiseled jaw, Rutherford Hayes’ immaculately-groomed beard, and Lyndon Johnson’s fertile groin, this icicle projected America’s rugged strength and dignity that has justly subjugated the planet earth. That it should sprout up here in North Minneapolis is certainly divine affirmation of mayor Rybak’s half-million dollar initiative to install designer water fountains across the city. In fact, I would posit that this icicle is a herald of Rybak’s inerrancy.

Emboldened by patriotic fervor and sub-zero windchills, I approached the gleaming icicle. With trembling fingers and moistened lips, I reached for it and removed it from my garage with a mighty “CRACK!” At that moment, thunder rolled across the heavens and Hugo Chavez’s living room curtains tore in two.

Resplendent in my workout gear and disheveled hair, I posed with the excalibur of icicles and felt its shimmering American power pulsate through my body like an electrical charge. I was suddenly vivid and alive. It was as if was imbued with the spirit of Teddy Roosevelt after 12 cups of coffee. Mine eyes had seen the glory of the coming of the Lord! Glory, hallelujah!

Then Bridgette made me come inside and fold laundry.

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6 Responses to American Icicle

  1. tim hopps says:

    What a tremendous letdown. I thought you were going to impale someone with it.

  2. scott says:

    I just sang the Star Spangled Banner at my desk in tribute to this mighty icicle.

  3. ted says:

    Is that an icicle or a narwhal’s tusk?

  4. john says:

    This is like a story that never quite reaches fruition, unless you are an ornery housewife.

  5. Jordan says:

    Haha, the Biblical imagery was amazing. You managed to majestify this icicle with believable yet ridiculous description.

    Chavez’s curtains? Priceless.

  6. Sarah says:

    The posing of the icicle at your side mimics the spear wound of Christ. You shall not be overcome by ice.

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