Sunday Morning Bullet Hole

Gather around, children of all ethnicities! Come and see the wonderful gift of North Minneapolis!

It’s a bullet hole in our garage!

Yes, that’s right! On Saturday night, the North Minneapolis Fairy fired a gun near our home and teens (presumably wearing oversized white t-shirts and black do-rags underneath their parkas and stocking caps) went scattering away from the loud party they were attending. It was zany! Then the police came with their sirens and flashing lights and shiny boots and saved the day!

Sunday morning, I saw the bullet hole in my garage! Hooray!

Sunday evening, Brett Favre put a metaphorical bullet into my guts! Everything was terrible on Sunday!

Now children, if all of you say your prayers and eat your vitamins, maybe one of the North Minneapolis Fairies will shoot a bullet into your house or garage too! Then your family will be endangered and anxiety-ridden and the resale value of your property will magically diminish! Perhaps a Hennepin County judge will be lenient on the North Minneapolis Fairy and send him back with his other friends in his enchanted community! This is called the circle of life, and it is what Elton John sang so beautifully about in the mid-90s.

Now all of you children, listen closely. I want you to run around the neighborhood and see if you can find the North Minneapolis Fairy who shot a bullet into my garage. If you spot him, come back as fast as you can and tell me where he is! Then I will run him over with my Hyundai Sonata!

Three cheers for cold-blooded vengeance!

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8 Responses to Sunday Morning Bullet Hole

  1. Adam says:

    Oh no! We had those in Brian’s house in South Minneapolis too. Time to buy a gun.

  2. JuliAnn says:

    time to move

  3. kevin s. says:

    Meh, looks like the doo-rag teens are marked for death. Net positive.

  4. peter says:

    Kevin, you always find the bright side of any situation, don’t you?

  5. tim hopps says:

    Peter, I’m very sorry this happened. As I know you’re keenly aware, that bullet could have entered the house. It’s hard not to hate people who have no regard whatsover for the well-being of others. How’d you do it, Jesus? How did you manage to say, “Father forgive them” instead of: “Father, I can’t wait for the day when I get to tear them limb from limb, then let them rot in hell for eternity”?

  6. peter says:

    I remember one time a friend who owned a home in a crappy neighborhood telling me that he sometimes took a knife and practiced stabbing milk cartons in case he ever needed to stab an intruder. At the time, it seemed a bit aggressive to me. I get it now.

  7. Guy Incognito says:

    I’m with Adam. You should purchase a gatling gun and mount a turret on top of your sun room.

  8. BDub Whale Man says:

    Time to conceal and carry. Should print a copy of the bill of rights while you’re at it to carry on person at all times. At least they didn’t try to steal Ben Franklin…

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