My Annual Cold Weather in January Post

Cold enough for you?

Blast, it’s cold outside! It’s colder than a witch’s mammary gland! When that frigid air hits your lungs, it feels like Reggie Jackson taking his 35oz. Louisville Slugger to your ribs! It ain’t natural!

It’s so cold out, it makes me want to curl up under a blanket and watch CBS’s crime procedural Cold Case, starring that ashen-faced lady from my nightmares.

Because of the frozen temps here, my car was running at perhaps 60% efficiency this morning. It was like at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, when the Enterprise is trying to get away from the Genesis project explosion but they don’t have warp power until Spock sacrifices his life for the good of the crew. That’s exactly what it was like as I drove through Brooklyn Center.

I hate these Minnesota Januaries. Everything is cold and depressing and my sullen misery only grows deeper with each drunken pelvic thrust from New Orleans Saints fans.

Something’s got to be done about this! Who’s up for a suicide pact culminating in a blazing bloodbath in a Culvers parking lot?

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6 Responses to My Annual Cold Weather in January Post

  1. tim hopps says:

    Thanks for ruining the ending of that Star Trek movie for me.

  2. peter says:

    Sometimes I still get teary-eyed when I think about Spock’s death scene, and his brave farewell to Kirk as he dies a disfiguring death from radiation poisoning.

    Then my Spock-tears blend with my tears of cold-related discomfort and I double over in sadness.

  3. Sarah says:

    I would have gone with your plan but I can only do a suicide pact in a White Castle parking lot.

    I would mirror Khan’s dying words as my last: ” To the last I grapple with thee. From hell’s heart I stab at thee. For hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee”.

    Then I could proceed to stuff as many sliders in my mouth as possible and pass into eternity as the sweet taste of onions and beef blocked my airway.

  4. tim hopps says:

    If you simply remove the very first letter from the first sentence of this post… “Cold enough for you?” …it describes this post!

  5. Sarah says:

    Tim,
    I think you should write a blog. That way you could entertain us while Peter is off doing something unproductive- like teaching or child care….

  6. tim hopps says:

    You know, I just might do that…

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