Turn off your space heaters, take off your shirts, and grab the garden hose! It’s time to suck on some spring break until we puke!
The next ten days will be the most sun-soaked, fun-filled, foul-mouthed days of our lives! We’re going to live like 13th century Mongol chieftans, except without all the rape! Spring break is on!
Every other week of the year we wake up early, meet our professional responsibilities, and refrain from microwaving cats. Spring break is different. This is the week where we indulge our sublimated impulses and scream obscenities while running on treadmills. This is our week to be alive! This is a week where shame knows no bounds and the police hold no jurisdiction. Let our bellies hang free and our opinions on everybody be made known!
It is good that spring break is only ten days. Were it to be any longer, I would engorge myself until I was bloated beyond recognition like Luke Wilson in those AT&T ads. In my fattened, lethargic state I would hoist myself onto my side and lay in the gutter moaning for help until a hunter showed pity on me and blew my head clean off with a shotgun. That’s exactly what would happen if spring break lasted eleven days.
Just about done with my preparations here. The moment I finish this post I’m going to stare into a strobe light and hold my breath until I start seeing unnatural things. I figure that should get things off to a solid start. After that, I’ll improvise and do whatever flows. Maybe I’ll huff a few permanent markers, maybe I’ll poop into a box of Rice Krispies, I don’t know. I’m just going to ride the emotion and let the authorities sort things out on the other end. The important thing is that this is a terrible idea.
See you folks on the other side, at least if I’m not in county jail on charges of forced entry and indecent exposure! Happy spring break, everybody!