The Twins signed Joe Mauer to an 8-year deal worth $23 million a year!
Across the streets of St. Paul this morning, jubilant Twins fans are laying down palm leaves and shouting “Hosanna!”
Joe Mauer is our all-American hero who teaches children how to score a ball game and who transforms curious teens into adults with his gentle love. He our slim, monotone Babe Ruth, minus the slugging power and jazz-era depravity.
Some might balk at the hefty price tag, but those people don’t consider all the ancillary benefits that Joe Mauer brings with him. Joe Mauer sells t-shirts, umpires little league games, and can conduct a mass at St. Mary’s Basilica in a pinch. Don’t get pine tar on the eucharist, Joe Mauer!
I wish Joe Mauer would turn his level gaze to me and tell me that I am deeply loved. Until he does that, I will regularly consider suicide.
I have sent Twins GM Bill Smith a package containing the underwear I had on when I heard the news. I included a note congratulating him and asking him to pass the underwear along to Joe Mauer for his inspection and approval. I hope to hear from him or his lawyer soon.
Hooray for Joe Mauer! Now let’s hope that he can simultaneously serve as the Twins’ catcher and closer!