Indiana dairy farmer Tony Goldstein has a problem. Huge bubbles are appearing in his farm’s lagoon of cow and hog feces, causing the filthpool to overflow and possibly contaminate the water supply.
Goldstein, a rural sage, has proposed that he and his son hop into a canoe, float out into the reeking bog of excrement, and pop the bubbles with a knife. Neighbors and a local regulatory board balked at this idea, citing concern for a methane explosion.
“If that thing back there blows, God help us all for miles,” said Allen Hutchison, whose corn and soybean farm is next door. He and other neighbors worry that puncturing the bubbles could cause an explosion of manure and toxic gases.
Not to worry, said Mr. Goltstein as he stood at the edge of the manure pit, puffing on a cigarette and gazing at the bubbles glistening in the sun. “I have no fear popping them.”
The article (from the Wall Street Journal, for some reason) cited a case in Minnesota last year when a farmer caused a massive methane explosion by bursting bubbles of pulsating hog feculence. That blast apparently rocketed him 40 feet in the air.
Quite frankly, I feel ashamed that I missed the story of such an epic shit explosion so close to home. Many apologies to my readers.
Here’s wishing happy poopcanoe travels and brownbubble blowouts to all of you today!