The End of a Terrible, Terrible Era

What’s this? Brookdale Mall has closed?

This photo was taken during peak shopping hours.

Brookdale Mall, located just minutes from my gentle neighborhood, has followed countless Hardees franchises into the shallow unmarked grave of retail death, shot in the back of the head by consumer indifference.

What will the tender youth of my community do without the Brookdale Mall? The mall offered wide concourses filled with echoed vulgarities, as well as multiple hat shops, dollar stores, and a Taco John’s. Locals whisper about a time when Brookdale offered an American Eagle, Barnes & Noble, Macy’s, and other signals of actual retail activity. In recent years, however, the mall has been overtaken by crotch-grabbing goons aimlessly patrolling the hallways. Shocking that consumers with actual money found the experience to be unpleasant…

Like the Roman Empire, the once-mighty Brookdale Mall has fallen into disrepair and illiteracy. Today’s equivalent of visigoth barbarians now chant their rhymed foolishness outside the walls of Brookdale, demanding entrance and gumballs. Where are our centurions to keep safety and order? Where is our Sheriff Andy Taylor? Where is the America we once knew?

Goodbye, Brookdale Mall. Technically, you have served us, though not particularly well. You shall remain standing as a concrete, rectangular reminder of how stupid everything is.

This entry was posted in Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The End of a Terrible, Terrible Era

  1. Tami says:

    I’m going to miss the days of going into Payless, only to be drawn out into the hall by shouting and people running towards the girlfight would have broken out. And then the police coming, more chaos and finally peace as the hoodlems are taken out. Ah, those were the days.

    On a side note, what size is Oliver? We were thinking of getting him an oversized white tshirt and black do-rag so he can make friends in the neighborhood.

  2. scott says:

    I’m sorry for your loss Minneapolis! Take heart though, a recording studio? Can’t wait for Prince to record an album there, LIVE FROM BROOKDALE MALL!

  3. peter says:

    That album will be 65 songs long and feature an attractive woman singing on half the songs for no apparent reason.


  4. john says:

    Just wondering: did you break into the mall to snap that photo? (not that that would be looked down upon in your area)

  5. tim hopps says:

    I liked Sears and Barnes & Noble… you could enter those stores from the outside, therefore not having to actually walk through the mall itself.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>