On Mint

Before you leave me, you should know that I’m a nut for things that are mint-flavored.

Better than a father's approval.

As you are no doubt unaware, mint is otherwise known around these parts as “what God’s tongue tastes like.”

I take my hat off to the inventor of mint. Whoever it was that decided to put a few drops of oil from the mentha piperita herb into a Dairy Queen Blizzard deserves a rugged slap on the back and an Applebees gift card from us all. That man has given the world its greatest gift since Alexander Graham Bell invented the fart rag.

Sometimes when I am eating mint things I have to just slow down, take a deep breath and barf into a drinking fountain. I barf because the mint tastes so good and because I’ve eaten too much of it too quickly. As you have gathered, I am, in most respects, like an overeager dog. Sometimes a nice lady will put her hand on my back and ask me if I’m okay. I will goodnaturedly clutch her face and scream, “MINT!” with my minty, vomity breath.

What can I say? I’m a nut for mint!

I also like Girl Scout Thin Mints, mint juleps, and loudly offering Girl Scouts a mint julep as they pass outside my house.

Sometimes I overdo it on the mint, and I have to take a break from it. I’ll try other flavors for a while like grape and whatever’s in Werther’s Originals, but I always come back to mint. Mint is like my first love, except it never dumped me the week before Homecoming. Also, mint would never defriend me on Facebook.

So here’s to you, mint. You taste awesome and you are green, like lettuce on crack.

This entry was posted in Best of the JLP, Meh. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to On Mint

  1. kevin s. says:

    If you plant mint, and let it go, in five years, your entire lawn will be full of mint. It’s about ten times as hard to remove as dandelions. Bridgette will understand.

    I call shenanigans on your claim to love mint juleps though.

  2. john says:

    I think it’s time for a fresh JLP post (notice how I’m posting the word FRESH on your column about MINT).

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