Hey gang, guess what? Today was my birthday!
That’s right, I turned 32 today! Now I’m old enough to rent a car and drive it through a window at a bank! Take that, G-8 bastards! How do you like me now that I’m 32?
As you can infer from my crazed non-sequiturs, I’ve had a wonderful day. My wife took us out to Key’s Cafe for breakfast where I feasted on toast (French style) and jellied sourdough muffins while loudly announcing the various thoughts that entered my head. After consuming four times my recommended daily caloric intake, we went out to a children’s swimming area to teach Oliver about the miracle of chlorine. Chlorine takes the germs and our sadness away, I told him. Specifically, it takes them to the hinterlands of Manitoba, Canada to be stored deep underground for future generations to study.
After the sunshine splashes, we returned to our warm cottage in north Minneapolis where neighbors greet each other by eyeing one another warily and littering on each other’s yards. I sat back in my sunroom, strummed my guitar, and sang a song of thanks for my beautiful wife, my adorable son, and my sensible Hyundai Sonata. Later my brother Brian visited, and we celebrated my birthday as well as his recent acceptance into law school. I thanked him for also agreeing to financially support me and my family in perpetuity upon becoming a lawyer, to which he offered a strained, silent smile. The bonds of brotherhood are strong, probably!
All in all, I’d say it was probably the best birthday experienced by humankind since the Holy Roman Emperor Charles the Bald celebrated his 50th birthday in 873 by personally beheading a dozen Saracens as nubile maidens writhed to the rhythms of a frenzied lyre.
Also, I scored some BOGO DQ Blizzard action.