This Apple

Man, this apple is GOOD!


I’ve eaten a lot of apples in my day – probably about 200 – but I don’t know if I’ve ever tasted one this crisp, tangy, and handsome. It’s a Honeycrisp, grown by the hot-blooded migrant laborers working the fertile fields of Chile. Chile, if you don’t know, is man’s country. For instance, if you pull out a container of yogurt for a snack in Chile, you’re liable to get your neck snapped by a cross-eyed pitfighter. If don’t go 110% every day in Chile, you might as well just mutilate your own genitals and cut your losses.

But back to my topic, this apple. I’m seriously loving this apple. Each bite is a flavor explosion all over my oily face. Other apples, if you haven’t noticed, are terrible. I don’t what type they are – Red Delicious, Granny Smith, or Satan’s Knuckle – my experiences with apples are usually dread-ridden, Kubrickian nightmares ending with cold sweats and me hugging the toilet.

Until this apple. This apple made me a believer in apples.

Now I understand why people love apples so much. They’re all crunchy and sweet and silent. They’re obviously so much better than pears. Apples make pears taste like gross apples. Each time I blast this apple into my mouth, I love it more. Then I chew it up a bunch and swallow it, just like I do for other foods, but it’s better with this apple because it is mighty and pure, like America.

Whenever I used to hear people mention apples, I would get so mad inside that blood vessels in my eyes would burst. Not anymore though. Now I only get mad at cops.

Thanks for being so awesome, apple. Hope you didn’t mind getting torn apart by my teeth until flecks of apple spittle cover my beard, because it happened. It is probably immoral what I just did to you. I’m like R. Kelly, but with apples.

This entry was posted in Best of the JLP, Raves. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to This Apple

  1. Jen says:

    I would have to agree with you on the honeycrisp apples being the best. I hadn’t eaten an apple in yrs. until last fall when the word “honeycrisp” and caramel dip caught my eye in the grocery store. I used to find every other brand of apple having a mealy texture that I couldn’t bring myself to go near. BTW, love your blog.

  2. Tami says:

    I thought honeycrisp were Minnesota grown? Well, the best ones are Minnesota grown anyway!

  3. Tim Hopps says:

    I love it when you ramble on like a complete mental case. “Apples make pears taste like gross apples.” Brilliant. Your delightful weirdness has given me countless moments of blissful escape as I sit at this god-forsaken desk 35 hours a week, dreaming of my first hit song, huge royalty checks, and winning my freedom from The Man and his damnable corporate vomitpile. (See how you inspire me?) The JLP is BACK!!!

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