I just took a shower. It was a pretty good one.

I didn’t use too much shampoo this time. My hair is pretty short, so I just put a little dallop in my palm and then rub my skull up until it’s good and sudsy. Then I let it sit for a while. If you do that with Denorex it starts to burn, but not with the off-brand stuff I use. My shampoo is pretty second rate. I think it’s intended to wash up pet hamsters, but I bought it on clearance, so who cares?

You know those showers where you just lean back slowly and led every warm bead cascade down your taut, lithe torso? That’s basically what I just did. It was like Patrick Swayze in that one movie, except that Whoopi Goldberg was mercifully absent.

One thing my cats hate is when I grab them tight and take them into the shower with me. It gets them grumpy! Sometimes I just let them scamper off wet and sassy, and sometimes I take the hammer to them. Either way, I’m a responsible person.

If I ever win the lottery, I’m going to install a chair in my tub so I can sit on it while I take a shower, and I will hire a manservant named Bisquick to bathe me with a warm, soapy washcloth. He will silently scrub me down in a pattern of concentric circles until I dismiss him. This will be our nightly routine. At the end of my life I will release him from servitude on the condition that he never bathe another adult male again, lest my memory be defiled. Also, I would buy a motorcycle.

Thanks for reading my earnest thoughts on showering. I hope that none of this will prevent you from hiring me at some point in the future.

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4 Responses to Showering

  1. Greg Larson says:

    Caleb & I read this last night. We laughed so hard.
    you are a little unbalanced my friend.
    hope you are well,

  2. ralph says:

    I am the water droplets on your savory skinnnnn

  3. Tim Hopps says:

    Bisquik can be on that show about awful jobs.

    Masterful post though. Was (almost?) worth the weeklong wait. You’re the Brett Favre of blogging… make ‘em wait to the point of almost being angry, then come riding in on a white horse and give ‘em the goods they’ve been starving for (last night’s game notwithstanding).

  4. peter says:

    Thanks for noticing, Greg. :)

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