What is it that makes Gardetto’s the greatest road trip food ever?
Is it the mini-pretzels topped with their savory secret seasoning? Is it the perfectly brined rye crisps that pop Etruscan flavors across your eager mouth? Is it the salty balm blasting out of the bag like a hot wallop the moment you rip it open that causes you to slam the gas pedal and embrace the consequences?
It is all this and more that makes Gardetto’s the finest road trip snack item since the Mongols munched dried, curdled mare’s milk on their way to slaughtering the children of Baghdad and enslaving their women.
Sometimes when I’m driving and eating Gardetto’s I just want to roll down the windows and hold aloft my Gardetto’s bag for the world to see. I would spit the half-chewed snack crisps out at passing cars, point at their drivers and scream “GARDETTOOOO’S!”
Then I would drive my Hyundai into a ditch and run off into the tall grasses to be alone with Gardetto’s.
People, I’m serious when I tell you that Gardetto’s are so good. After finishing a bag, I feel warm and accepted, like being in Atlantic City and getting a indistinct nod of affirmation from a woozy Alan Thicke holding a bottle of percocet.
Gardetto’s: violate your face!