You know that thing where you rub your hands together really fast until they get all hot and bloody? Why do I keep doing that? It’s like I’m obsessive-compulsive or something, except I’m not.
Hold on, I just want to rub my hands together for a sec-
Man, that stings!
Surely you would agree that there’s nothing wrong with a fully grown man choosing to rub his hands together from time to time. Why, that’s as American as rubbing two apple pies together! It’s in all the big Hollywood movies. Mr. Miyagi rubbed his hands together before he miraculously cured Daniel-san’s knee in The Karate Kid, and Marty McFly did it before he was gruffly sodomized by Buford Tannen in Back to the Future Part III: The Director’s Cut – it’s everywhere!
Hold up, let me do this-
You would not believe how messed up my hands look right now! It’s like they’re inside-out! I guess sometimes there’s a price you’ve got to pay for having a good time your whole life. Just ask David Crosby – he’s like a 350-pound Downs Syndrome man these days.
The keys on my keyboard are starting to stick together, probably on account of the blood and skin particles. That’s a bummer because I feel like I was just hitting my stride here. My terrible, disgusting stride. Bridgette’s gonna be so mad when she sees I’ve been rubbing again. She never understands my point about how my scabbed, disfigured hands make for an excellent icebreaker and about how it feels so good to rub them together as fast as I can. It’s as if women are a different species altogether! Am I right, gentlemen?
Also, women shouldn’t be allowed to get driver’s licenses.