Impending Backhugs

Sometimes I worry that hugging from behind will become a thing that my friends like to do and I’ll have to go along with it even though it makes me uncomfortable.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not entirely opposed to physical touch. I like a jocular backslap and the occasional two-handed handshake as much as the next guy. But what if we decide to start up with the unsolicited back-hugs? How am I supposed to deal with someone putting their hands all over my belly and chest from behind as they pull me closer as a means of expressing their firm friendship? Doesn’t that seem like just one more level of societal degradation to you? I mean, first we had AIDS and now this!?

I have no reason to believe that spontaneous hugs from behind are about to become commonplace, but I do know that if it starts happens to me, I’m going to just scream as loud as I can. I don’t care if I’m on an airplane or in a dentist’s waiting room, if anyone hugs me from behind, they’re going to hear some of the new swear words I’ve been thinking of and then they’re going to taste the back end of my industrial flashlight.

Why is this happening? Who would think it’s a good idea to start hugging people from behind in an unwelcomed manner and then caress their torso and neck while breathing hot in their ear?! It just seems screwed up to me, and frankly I’m bothered that it’s probably about to start happening any day now.

I’m not about to sit still for this. I have written numerous editorials to community newsletters detailing my views on this matter and included locks of my hair as proof of my good faith. Surely there are millions more like me who will rise up and oppose the advent of uninvited hugs from behind. We will not be silent anymore! We are spitting mad about this inevitable invasion of our personal space, and if we don’t see action, we are literally going to murder an innocent man to get the world’s attention!

Anyway, that’s my view on backhugs. I’m pretty much opposed to them. Also, I am reasonable.

Have a great day, everybody! Don’t approach me!

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3 Responses to Impending Backhugs

  1. Tim Hopps says:

    Is that an industrial flashlight in your pants or are you just happy to be backhugging me?

  2. ben says:

    People who willingly give back hugs are called “chiropractors” and must go around declaring it loudly, Old Testament style: “Unclean! Unclean! I’m a chiropractor and you will pay me to give back hugs!”

  3. Roger says:

    Daggone Mormons.

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