Drinking Pine-Sol to Win Approval from Older Boys

Do you guys dare me to drink this huge container of Pine-Sol?

If you guys dare me to, I will. I’ll drink all 1.36 gallons of it! Because you guys are older and cooler than me, I greatly value your opinions. (I am psychotic about getting attention, be it positive, negative, or medical.)

The label says that 91% of Pine-Sol is “other ingredients” – sounds ingestible to me! It might as well be strawberry flavored! Should I do it?

I’m seeing a lot of shrugged shoulders and looks of indifference, as if none of you cares either way because you hate me. Fair enough. Poets of old said it’s best to counter such apathy with a brazen, inspiring act of valor. I believe it was Virgil who wrote, “Drinking Pine-Sol is awesome and it will make people notice you, which is just as good as love.”

You guys probably don’t like me because of how I watch you from a distance when you’re kissing girls, but in a few short moments my wanton, wild-eyed derring-do will be seared into your memories like Schindler’s List. I guarantee you’ve never seen anybody swallow this much commercial disinfectant before. My stepdad says that when you’re drinking Pine-Sol, the pain is temporary but the glory is forever!

I see that some of you are now tearfully pleading for me to stop. That’s cool. I appreciate your concerns, but I’m convinced more than ever that gulping down all this Pine-Sol is what I need to do. After all, it’s 2011 – all decisions are equally valid and right, no matter the medical or moral consequences. Drinking 175 fluid ounces of Pine-Sol is part of my journey.

Okay, let’s do this. No regrets. Paging Dr. Pine-Sol!

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2 Responses to Drinking Pine-Sol to Win Approval from Older Boys

  1. Tim Hopps says:

    Peter won’t do a new post until someone leaves a comment on the present one. You’re welcome, everybody!

  2. John says:

    I can only handle so much of his self-loathing and prideful gluttony each week, so I was trying to pace my responses. But thanks for posting, Tim. I was just getting ready for more.

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