Ingrates

So apparently my readers are getting impatient for more JLP content.

I can’t say I’m surprised, given the marginal caliber of readers that this blog has attracted. This ain’t the Harvard Law Review. Turns out that writing posts about animal hoarding and drinking Pine-Sol attracts a readership of impatient, socially awkward misfits. The thing is, I don’t even like these people, yet I feel strangely compelled to give them more of what they want. Writing this blog is like being married to a sex-addled Medusa.

After some 1,200 posts, it’s sometimes hard to muster up the energy needed to write this stuff. I’m like the now-bald, middle aged Peter Frampton belting out “Show Me The Way” for the millionth time, except only 14 people are listening, and my version of the song is about Warren Harding and the Teapot Dome scandal.

Of course, my readers don’t care about my blogging malaise or cramped schedule, they just want more stupid stuff to read. Their strident demands for additional content are insatiable. They are the twitchy addicts, and the JLP is the meth that gives their lives purpose. Unlike meth, however, the JLP is free and causes no open sores or dental damage. Maybe that could be the site’s new slogan: Slightly better than meth.

Well, dear readers, here you are. This post may not be much, but it’s all you’re going to get out of me today. I hope you’re happy. I literally stayed up all night writing this, accompanied only the buzzing blue light of my computer monitor and the unrelenting yowls of my brain damaged cats. Sadly, this meager entry is all I have to show for the night of misery you’ve subjected me to. It isn’t even that funny, it’s just passive aggressive and profoundly sad.

Now that I loathe myself again, I’ll get back to my job of inspiring young people. A sarcastic thanks to all of my demanding, dissatisfied readers who have ruined my life. Thanks to you I am bleary-eyed and ashen, and my fingernail maintenance has hit an all-time low. I’m literally squirting blood all over the keyboard as I type.

See you again, once the hatred has built back up!

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9 Responses to Ingrates

  1. Tim Hopps says:

    Face it, Peter… you’re my literary b*tch and ain’t nuthin gonna change that.

  2. Guy Incognito says:

    It’s not Tim’s fault. He has a mental disorder that makes him a JLP post hoarder.

  3. John says:

    I printed this post out, dissolved it in water, then spread your JLP cream all over my aching body.

  4. Tim Hopps says:

    The dumb thing about begging for more JLP’s is that out of the 12oo posts he’s done, I’ve probably only seen a fraction of them. I can always go to the archives. But it’s more fun to pester Peter. The more we make him miserable, the more irrational, angry, foaming-at-the-mouth posts we may get! Those are the best ones. If I could only put him in a cage with a computer and poke him with a stick…

  5. John says:

    I, too, prefer fresh JLP content. There is something deeply satisfying and mildly arousing about knowing Peter toils in the glow of his monitor like our subservient peon. Plus, I’m mentally archiving his angstier lines for future use in wooing girls.

    • Tim Hopps says:

      John, did you make a mental note of when he mentioned his asymmetrical nostrils? That’ll get them girls going!

  6. Chris B. says:

    This post wasn’t long enough. I expect another post by the end of the day.

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