So apparently my readers are getting impatient for more JLP content.
I can’t say I’m surprised, given the marginal caliber of readers that this blog has attracted. This ain’t the Harvard Law Review. Turns out that writing posts about animal hoarding and drinking Pine-Sol attracts a readership of impatient, socially awkward misfits. The thing is, I don’t even like these people, yet I feel strangely compelled to give them more of what they want. Writing this blog is like being married to a sex-addled Medusa.
After some 1,200 posts, it’s sometimes hard to muster up the energy needed to write this stuff. I’m like the now-bald, middle aged Peter Frampton belting out “Show Me The Way” for the millionth time, except only 14 people are listening, and my version of the song is about Warren Harding and the Teapot Dome scandal.
Of course, my readers don’t care about my blogging malaise or cramped schedule, they just want more stupid stuff to read. Their strident demands for additional content are insatiable. They are the twitchy addicts, and the JLP is the meth that gives their lives purpose. Unlike meth, however, the JLP is free and causes no open sores or dental damage. Maybe that could be the site’s new slogan: Slightly better than meth.
Well, dear readers, here you are. This post may not be much, but it’s all you’re going to get out of me today. I hope you’re happy. I literally stayed up all night writing this, accompanied only the buzzing blue light of my computer monitor and the unrelenting yowls of my brain damaged cats. Sadly, this meager entry is all I have to show for the night of misery you’ve subjected me to. It isn’t even that funny, it’s just passive aggressive and profoundly sad.
Now that I loathe myself again, I’ll get back to my job of inspiring young people. A sarcastic thanks to all of my demanding, dissatisfied readers who have ruined my life. Thanks to you I am bleary-eyed and ashen, and my fingernail maintenance has hit an all-time low. I’m literally squirting blood all over the keyboard as I type.
See you again, once the hatred has built back up!