Kudos to People Magazine, Winners of the Pulitzer of My Heart

Great news, everybody!

According to this week’s People magazine, Reese Witherspoon has gotten a second chance at love!

Awesome!

We all know how Reese has been down on her luck lately, what with her 2007 divorce and string of box office failures. But now she’s back! Finally, another man has taken a romantic interest in poor, forgotten Reese. What’s better, his teeth are just as white as hers!

I’m glad People magazine is on top of stories like this. I don’t like to hear about people dying in house fires or things that happen in other countries. I mostly like to read about people wearing $1,100 shoes and getting married in Paris. Also, I can’t get enough Maybelline advertisements. That’s why I love People!

I hope next week’s issue has a feature about Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak with lots of pictures of him and his wife Suzanne at their summer cottage! Maybe she’ll share her recipe for buffalo wings!

Sometimes People includes stories about people who aren’t celebrities. I mostly just skip those and look for interviews with Ricky Martin. Did you know that he is relevant and admirable?

I hope that People magazine never shows a severely mentally retarded person on its cover. That would be so awful to see. Why not somebody from Glee instead? Maybe that ethnic-looking girl? She seems wholesome.

Thanks for giving my life meaning, People magazine!

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4 Responses to Kudos to People Magazine, Winners of the Pulitzer of My Heart

  1. John says:

    Which is more inspiring: this blog post, or the fact that I’m up at 1am reading it?

  2. Tim Hopps says:

    WHO READS THIS CRAP???????

    (I mean the JLP, not People Magazine)

  3. Tim Hopps says:

    OMG!!! SHE’S DRESS SHOPPING!!! (check out the fine print at the bottom of the photo!) Oh, what I would give to go along!!! I wonder “who” she’ll wear??? (that means which gown designer, for you ignoramuses that don’t read up on this kind of thing) OMG, “People” had BETTER give us EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DETAIL about that wedding!!! Oh, what I would give to be there!!! Do you suppose there’ll be photos of their wedding night??? OMG, I can’t stand it!!! OH, I am SO blessed to be able to read about Reese and all the other important People in the world!! Thank God they’re around to make our lives interesting!!! Woooowwwweeeeeeeee!!!!!!

  4. Tim Hopps says:

    Ollie: Did you hear about that actress that went ballistic in a restaurant and stabbed the waitress with her fork?
    Stan: No! Who??
    Oliie: Reese… uh, what’s her name… Reese…
    Stan: Witherspoon???
    Ollie: No, with her fork!!!

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