As you have likely noticed, the JLP is struggling to maintain its once-majestic altitude. This is the result of my increased domestic obligations, professional considerations, and the plain fact that I am creatively bankrupt. The kind of people who stick around and continue to read this blog are the kind of people who still go to music stores and buy new albums by Depeche Mode.
At this point, I have a love-hate relationship with my readers. On my off days, I grumpily toss off a rehashed passive-aggressive post in hopes of quieting down their incessesant whining, treating them as common housecats. On happier occasions, however, they reward my diligent efforts with careful readings and cracking retorts.
Despite the JLP’s depressing, inexorable decline in vitality, certain readers have proven their worth through their sheer obsequiousness. Their servile attentiveness to even my laziest posts manages to bring a fleeting smile to my lips before my sorrows return. I am like bloated Elvis, sloppily churning my way through some overproduced wreck of a song, and they slap me on the back and tell me I’ve still got it. Of course, I know deep down that the magic is gone, but these sycophantic hangers-on help make the countdown to death a bit more bearable.
Whereas Elvis’ Memphis Mafia fetched him pills in exchange for leftover women, my readers fawn over this blog’s lukewarm swill and fight proxy battles in the flamewars with animal rights folks that occasionally flare up deep in the JLP archives. This relationship is pathetic, of course, but it’s easy, and I (like late-period Elvis) no longer have the energy to alter course. Together, we will float aimlessly into oblivion.
And after this blog is dead, my readers will inevitably write tell-all books to cash in and make a living by signing autographs at JLP conventions.
And yes, the hellish, dystopian future we are headed to will feature JLP conventions. They will take place in Best Western conference rooms, and will culminate in my posts being read aloud by John Goodman. It will be awful.