The JLP is TCB (but not like it used to)

As you have likely noticed, the JLP is struggling to maintain its once-majestic altitude. This is the result of my increased domestic obligations, professional considerations, and the plain fact that I am creatively bankrupt. The kind of people who stick around and continue to read this blog are the kind of people who still go to music stores and buy new albums by Depeche Mode.

At this point, I have a love-hate relationship with my readers. On my off days, I grumpily toss off a rehashed passive-aggressive post in hopes of quieting down their incessesant whining, treating them as common housecats. On happier occasions, however, they reward my diligent efforts with careful readings and cracking retorts.

Despite the JLP’s depressing, inexorable decline in vitality, certain readers have proven their worth through their sheer obsequiousness. Their servile attentiveness to even my laziest posts manages to bring a fleeting smile to my lips before my sorrows return. I am like bloated Elvis, sloppily churning my way through some overproduced wreck of a song, and they slap me on the back and tell me I’ve still got it. Of course, I know deep down that the magic is gone, but these sycophantic hangers-on help make the countdown to death a bit more bearable.

Me and Tom and others

Whereas Elvis’ Memphis Mafia fetched him pills in exchange for leftover women, my readers fawn over this blog’s lukewarm swill and fight proxy battles in the flamewars with animal rights folks that occasionally flare up deep in the JLP archives. This relationship is pathetic, of course, but it’s easy, and I (like late-period Elvis) no longer have the energy to alter course. Together, we will float aimlessly into oblivion.

And after this blog is dead, my readers will inevitably write tell-all books to cash in and make a living by signing autographs at JLP conventions.

And yes, the hellish, dystopian future we are headed to will feature JLP conventions. They will take place in Best Western conference rooms, and will culminate in my posts being read aloud by John Goodman. It will be awful.

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7 Responses to The JLP is TCB (but not like it used to)

  1. Roger says:

    I was thinking of hiring TV’s Mr Belvedere to read at a convention. Of course, getting him here will take my entire budget and instead of a Best Western conference room, we’ll have to hold the convention in a Motel 6 room with two double beds.

  2. peter says:

    We can make it work, Roger. We’re basically pathetic.

  3. Roger says:

    I call dibs on bunking with Belvedere.

  4. Tim Hopps says:

    Have a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich and everything will be fine.

  5. Tim Hopps says:

    Seriously… after what, 1200 posts or something? …it amazes me that you can ever squeeze out another one. Let me take this opportunity to thank you for countless laughs and day-brighteners… some of the most twisted, bizzarre, fresh comedy I’ve ever read/seen/heard on any level. I am being absolutely sincere. I actually feel a little guilty for pestering you (through posted comments) for MORE MORE MORE… and I wonder if I played some part in you feeling like you have to explain yourself to your readers. If you never write another post, you’ve already done more than enough. The King is dead. Long live the King.

  6. peter says:

    Enjoy writing that book, Tom. And fetch me one of those sandwiches, won’t you?

  7. John says:

    Just think of yourself as George Lucas post-episode VI; your best ideas are years behind you, but Jar Jar Binks is still ahead.

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