Spring Break Wrapup

This year’s spring break was a heedless one, filled with craven indulgences and remorseless, sub-sentient sloth. At week’s end, my senses are dulled and my breathing is labored. My hours are now spent in repose, relentlessly swallowing fistfuls of Raisinets without chewing, and wearing only billowing t-shirts and sweatpants to accomodate my revoltingly swift weight gain.

I suppose this is the natural way of things, poetic in its inexorable terribleness.

Meanwhile, my son’s week has served as a mild counterpoint to my tortured, slurred consciousness. Every gurgled groan from me has been met with his benign babbling; my sorrowful gratification made all the more pathetic by his naive exuberance.

See for yourself:

I am deservedly ashamed of myself. Spring break has shown me who I am – a wretched, Chex-eating sluggard.

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5 Responses to Spring Break Wrapup

  1. John says:

    If you noticed, I made sure never to look straight at you yesterday because I was raised in a family which taught me not to stare at your kind.

  2. Peter says:

    Yeah, looking straight at me can be dangerous. I’m like the sun, especially while I’m TCB.

  3. Tim Hopps says:

    Peter, sometimes I’m actually a little concerned for you. I’m hoping it’s just the brilliance of your column: making people believe that maybe you really ARE a depressed lunatic.

  4. John says:

    Tim, I can only see there being cause for concern here if we looked at Peter’s choice of adjectives unfavorably. As it stands now, I’m raging in convoluted jealousy that he claimed the term “wretched Chex-eating sluggard” before I did. And also “colder than a witch’s mammary gland” which I still plan on using in a paper in the future. I could attempt to one-up him and use the opposite: “hotter than a prince’s testicle” but it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

    • Tim Hopps says:

      You have a point. Being a “remorseless, sub-sentient sloth” would seem to have its charms.

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