Butterfingerteeth

What is it with Butterfinger bars getting stuck in your teeth?

Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy the sweet, sultry crunch of Butterfinger just as much as the next guy enjoys kissing his wife with tongue. However, that doesn’t mean I like spending the next fifteen minutes with my finger in my mouth looking like some drooling pervert. There’s not much else I can do, though, given Butterfinger’s propensity to stick to my molars like the aforementioned drooling pervert dry humping a flagpole.

My original “save it for the dentist to pick out” strategy backfired a few years back when the ossified Butterfinger chunks built up to the point where I was getting double vision and I had to strain to close my mouth. Basically, eating Butterfinger bars made me a cross-eyed hillbilly. (I wasn’t a bad cross-eyed hillbilly like in horror movies though, I was a genial cross-eyed hillbilly like Mike Huckabee.)

Do attractive people eat Butterfinger bars? Can they?

Take David Schwimmer, for instance.

As the sweet, mopy Ross on TV’s Friends, Schwimmer won the hearts of terrible, stupid girls in college across the nation. Would this have been possible if he had been eating Butterfinger bars, and then constantly using his tongue to try to excavate the packed candy chunks out of his mouth while he should have been cracking wise and being doe-eyed? Unlikely. More likely the studio audience would have stared at Schwimmer in horrifed facination before turning on him, tearing him limb from limb as Matthew Perry looked on helplessly.

Look, I’m not saying it’s wrong to occasionally enjoy a Butterfinger. I’m just saying that doing so is likely to end up getting you beaten to death by a mob. That’s my two cents.