Do you hear the birds chirping?
The springtime morning is filled with the sounds of birds chirping their hellos! Flittering and fluttering about, they cheep their chipper greetings to the world. It’s a colorful symphony of happiness just outside my window – no further away than that homeless man’s poop he left on the sidewalk!
I love the sound of birds as they call out to each other. It is the sound of summertime purity and the boundless possibilities of a new day. Listening to their early morning trilling, I feel renewed, like a homeless man pooping on a sidewalk.
This morning’s birdish earfeast has awakened a desire within me to become a better man. No longer will I sit inside slurping watery oatmeal and muttering Republican talking points while nearby birds twitter their majestic aria. Inspired by the sweet nectar of birdly melodies, I will instead rush out to join in their 5:30am chorale. Standing heedlessly in my yard, wearing only an undershirt pulled low to preserve the innocence of the neighbor children, I will join with them in the majesty of song. Though my voice is haggard in the morning and my mastery of the bird language is negligible, the birds will certainly welcome me into their flock as they would a finch of similar size and intelligence.
Perhaps after several weeks of unsolicited, half-nude morningshouts the birds will allow me to finally become one of them. I believe that it must somehow be possible for me to free myself from this fashionless, fleshy, flightless body I am trapped in. It has become clear to me that I am a bird trapped in a social studies teacher’s body. It is not worth living another day trapped in the lies of my marriage, my career, and my membership in the human species.
If modern science can’t turn me into a bird, then the sum total of all human knowledge and scientific discovery across the ages are totally worthless.
I deserve to be happy too.