Toward a Flu Armistice

Not since the outbreak of the Spanish flu in 1918 has the world seen such stench and suffering as was witnessed in my house over the weekend. During the epidemic a century ago, tens of millions were killed by the illness that fatefully struck during the conclusion of the Great War, as if the world had not already suffered enough for the nationalist sins of a swarthy Serbian assassin.

Our house

Equally as terrible, several people at our home recently became ill.

Late Friday night, my long and illustrious streak of vomit-free living came to an ignoble end. Swimming with flu-induced nausea, I stumbled into the bathroom, collapsed to the floor, clipping my head on the toilet, and blacked out. When I came to, I had thrown up and my jaw ached like it had just collided with the hairy knuckles of the aforementioned swarthy Serbian assassin. Pleasantness followed for the next 12 hours, as the rest of the household cowed in fear of the sickness.

Complicating matters was the fact that Bridgette’s sister and two young children were staying with us for what was scheduled to be a weekend of unrestrained, screaming frivolity. However, my illness cast such pall over the festivities that the best they could manage was a silent, sullen visit to a nearby McDonalds playland, itself likely infested with the flu and pools of syphilis.

Predictably, my sister-in-law and niece were each struck asunder by the flu last night. The circle of barf was complete, and our house sank into a sinkhole of stinking squalor. Now, all are miserable, and the only thing left is to wait for the dreaded flu to strike our kids. For the moment, they remain as unwitting about their fate as was the Austro-Hungarian archduke on that June morning in 1914. Hopefully, when our kids become sick, other neighborhood children will not be pulled in with them because of the entanglements of a misguided alliance system.

Ultimately, there really isn’t anything more to say. Our household is currently passing through the shadows of life, and we have been made miserable.

This is all Germany’s fault.

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3 Responses to Toward a Flu Armistice

  1. Roger says:

    The pools of syphilis…I believe we were there on a family vacation in my youth. My mother made us frolic, and the pools made us sterile. You just don’t see families doing things together anymore, like yours do and mine did.

    Sure, we took pictures from that vacation, but things were never the same after. Mom ran off with the greasy looking guy that was always hanging around the pool and scratching his genitals…

  2. Alan Kellogg says:

    The family that suffers together…

  3. Tim Hopps says:

    As long as you’re puking anyway, why not take advantage of the situation and eat a pizza, a hot fudge sundae, a package of Oreos and a half-gallon of chocolate chip ice cream. You ‘ll throw it up anyway and not gain an ounce! A freebie!

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