Two Cat Fantasy

Do you know what the best part is about having two cats?

No, it’s not all the extra feces another cat produces, nor is it the pattern of one cat peeing on the floor when they decide they don’t like how the other cat has used the litter box. It isn’t the way they woke me up at 5:30 this morning, forcing me out of bed and into my blogging harness. It isn’t the way they contribute absolutely nothing to the human experience, either.

Also, it isn’t the way that they sometimes grind on each other even though their genitals have been disengaged.

Want to know what it is? It’s the fantasy that they might somehow kill each other while my family sleeps and then somehow eat their own remains so that there are no messy consequences left for me to deal with. Wouldn’t that be amazing? It would almost be worth living with two arrogant, idiotic cats that demand attention and insist on waking us up in the middle of the night every night for five years to experience something like that. It would be like M.C. Escher’s Drawing Hands, but in reverse.

Now is not the time to get into the specifics of which cat would initiate the killing cycle or how they would manage a mutual fall down our stairwell but still have enough energy and enmity remaining to go through the disgusting process of eating each other to death. I lay all those details out in an elaborate Power Point presentation I insist on delivering to my wife every night before bed.

Aside from that, there’s really nothing enjoyable about owning two cats. They don’t even fetch as much money on the black market as you’d think they would, given the number of disgraced scientists looking to conduct unethical cat-exploding experiments I imagine there are out there.

Thanks for checking in. I hope you found reading my thoughts to be an enriching experience. Come back next week when I share my opinions on the economy.