My wife is at work and my children are asleep in their beds, lying as still and silent as a raccoons freshly smashed by a Ford F-150, except they are living and human and pleasant. The house has been cleaned, at least insofar as I clean anything, and the homemade anti-government vaccine (French’s mustard and water) has been injected into my rectum. This should be an ideal moment for reflection and repose, but it is not.
Instead I pace back and forth across my kitchen, lost in thought, an anxious tangle of hopes and worries. At issue is my longstanding desire to film a shot-for-shot recreation of the original Footloose‘s tractor chicken race scene with all human characters replaced by cats.
As you have no doubt already surmised, this revelatory move would surely unlock the scene’s subtext and an entirely new level of meaning would unfold as the losing cat jumps into the ravine only to have his tractor tumble on top of him, crushing him to death (a twist in the narrative meant to reflect America’s role in the world, post 9/11). Atop the melodromatic hysteria of Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero”, our hero cat would get his claw stuck in a tractor mechanism only to be redeemed and win the love of another cat who would then end the scene by presenting her ripe hindquarters.
Sadly, I’ve encountered one obstacle after another on my way to cinematic triumph. Where am I supposed to get a dozen cats? Who is willing to loan me a couple tractors? Is Kevin Bacon interested in doing an extended cameo as a homeless onlooker writhing atop a pile of cats? My wife has thus far responded unfavorably to my repeated requests for funds and for some reason our date nights spent scouting abandoned ravines have ended in frustration and silence.
That’s why I’m writing this, dear readers. If you’re interested in seeing my vision brought to the screen, please email your credit card information to me immediately. In return, you will be credited as an executive producer and can lay in Kevin Bacon’s catpile.
Email now! Don’t let your mind stop what your emotions need!