The bell tolls, marking the final week of my summer break. Soon all will be seating charts and cafeteria food once again.
This summer did not pass without some successes. I administered a good number of baths to adults at my summer job, which certainly counts for something (albeit something unpleasant). I went on several walks with my family, which were uneventful but made me look good in front of my neighbors. I also threw myself down a flight of stairs to delight my son without becoming concussed.
On the other side of my summer ledger, I also changed over 100 diapers and once cut away the filth-encrusted hair from my cat’s anal region, an act that probably represented the nadir of my existence. Close behind was tonight’s excitement in which I left my newly mobile daughter Alice on a bed to go retrieve her brother, only to hear the dreaded “thump” on the wooden floor a few moments later. Can’t say I enjoyed that. Thankfully, Oliver was there to narrarate events for me as they happened in case I missed anything. (“Alice fall down off bed! Alice crying!”)
Thanks to Oliver’s new obsession with the DVD, I have also endured listening to the opening sequence to the children’s show “Little People” maybe 50 times. I can’t get over how strange the song is – it’s like it’s been translated from another language – and the fact that it’s sung by R&B star Aaron Neville makes it even more bizarre. I’m convinced at this point that the voice of Satan must sound like a dozen Aaron Nevilles speaking in unison.
So that’s it. After these eight weeks of Aaron Neville and child abuse I’m about ready to head back to school and get my social studies groove on. Lunches with my family will soon be replaced with puzzling over how to make the ancient Phoenicians interesting and relevant to 15-year olds (the answer, as always: pass out laptops to the students and hope for the best).
Happy sadness to you all!