So I went to get new glasses this week.

This is a pretty big deal, since I generally only get new glasses once every couple years. It’s like picking out what my new face will be until 2005. I didn’t really have many great ideas, but I wanted to find some that somehow made me look cool. I spent about 22 years of my life looking like my mom had dressed me before finally waking up and realizing that I looked like a dork. I think I still look a bit like a dork, but hopefully I’m not as hopeless-looking as I was before. Some of my friends have compared me to Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind which I interpret as them finding me frumpy and aloof (which I am).

So there I am looking at all the glasses. My mind starts racing - “Maybe I could go for some thick-framed glasses…am I cool enough to pull that off? Will I just look desperate? Since I’m basically desperate anyway, will it then just make me a more honest person in some completely convoluted way?”

The woman helping me pick out the glasses was in her late 40’s but trying to pass for her early 30’s. Her face was all doped up on Botox and she was unnervingly tan. I showed her my insurance information, and she said, “Okay, let’s take a look at the frames that your plan will cover.” This made me nervous. She reached under the counter and pulled out a huge black box. Blowing the dust off the cover, I was able to make out the words, “For social lepers only” before she opened it. Inside were a collection of glasses that would have been great had I still been a 6th grader. I half-heartedly tried a few of them on before asking about the frames I’d been looking at. After hearing the price tag on those, gave up on all dreams I had at being cool for the time being.

I ended up picking out some frames that look a lot like what I wear now, but they’re a bit darker. They’re very innocuous and don’t attract attention, which is all I ask anymore. My face until 2005 has been determined. I’ll do better next time.