The Seduction of the Fig
My friend Adam recently pointed out to me the fact that I am rarely the last person to leave the party when I’m out with friends. I usually hang out and chat with people for an hour or two before getting up and saying, “Okay, I’ve got to get going - I’ve got to be somewhere.” Other people soon spoke up and pointed out this same fact, like my friend Maren.
I made up a b.s. reason why this happens - I said something about how I don’t get to see my friends during the week, so I have to split up my weekend evenings so I can hang out with as many people as possible.
That was an absolute lie.
The truth is that I have set certain goals for myself to achieve while I’m still young and single. For instance, I have determined that the best way for me to spend my energies as a single man is to eat 700,000 Fig Newtons before I’m 30 years old. At my current pace, I must eat approximately 274 delicious Fig Newtons every day. Some would argue that this is an insane or pointless journey that I have embarked on. They may well be right. However, at this point I am a willing slave to the moist, blissful sweetness of the Fig Newton. Whether it be apple, strawberry, or raspberry, I spend my evenings squatting on the floor, wearing a child’s bib, eating the Fig Newtons at an alarmingly rapid rate. For the past 8 months, I have attempted to swallow them whole without chewing. Between swallowing Fig Newtons whole, I often bark in agreement with my invisible friends who have coaxed me into this task. They understand me completely, and I repay them by allowing them to sublet my patio for just $35 a month, paid in Fig Newtons.
In the end, I don’t know if my other friends would understand. If they were to see me writhing atop a five-foot mound of Fig Newtons while haggardly barking at the walls and vomiting intermittently, they may well be a bit confused. Perhaps someday we will all be able to laugh together at this quest. Until that day, I’ll be leaving the parties early to resume my life’s great work.
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February 5th, 2004 at 10:19 am
Sometimes you just need to tell the truth to set yourself free.
This story reminds me of my obsession Domino’s Buffalo wings.
February 5th, 2004 at 10:32 am
Maren, you really do need to shave more often.
February 5th, 2004 at 10:35 am
I use to love fig newtons! For whatever reason, after I quit smoking pot the love afair ended. Maybe, just maybe, I will go back to my old love.
Press on Peter and God speed.
February 5th, 2004 at 10:49 am
Chad! The Fig Newtons are waiting for you with open arms, yearning for your embrace. Do not deny them.
Adam - I’d like to witness you alone with dominos buffalo wings sometime, it seems like that’d be pretty messed up.
February 5th, 2004 at 11:15 am
Peter: You and Adam would both have to go into rehab after that, dog.
February 6th, 2004 at 3:39 pm
I’m not sure that apple, raspberry and strawberry can be considered Fig Newtons. They are Fruit Newtons. So, in order to accomplish your goal, I think you must eat only Newtons made of figs.
February 6th, 2004 at 4:03 pm
What do you think would happen if you were greeted at a party with your “other” friends with a large amount of fig newtons? Would you still have to go home? What do we have to do to get you to hang out with us?!?
PS. That picture is from my awkward teen years. It’s ok: remember that charm is deceptive and beauty fades.
February 6th, 2004 at 5:40 pm
Holy Crap.
I laughed so hard I think I peeed a little.
February 7th, 2004 at 4:02 pm
dude, i have a similar goal: to drink 1000 gallons of dr. pepper before i’m 25. so…i’m in the same boat. yeah.
February 8th, 2004 at 1:14 pm
Funniest blog entry I’ve read in a while.
February 12th, 2004 at 10:07 pm
Peter, I must say, I wholeheartedly agree with Rhonda…..stay away from the fruit newtons if the FIG newtons are the object of your goal!!! and Maren, what was the comment about shaving more often?? must be some secret inside thing??? good luck reaching your goal, always good to have a goal of some sort I guess
Peter, you are too funny!!