4 years ago, I lived in a duplex with 5 other guys. Myself, Leroy, Karl, Joe, Tim, and Neil. It was not a particularly tidy environment. Karl and I shared a room, but we both felt that merely sharing a room didn’t afford us the level of intimacy that we saught, so it was decided that we would sleep in a bunkbed. A child’s bunkbed. With my 6′5″ frame, I slept in this bunkbed for two years, never once stretching out to my full length because the bed was prohibitively short. Karl’s a short little bastard himself, so it never seemed to bother him.

Okay, I don’t want to get going on the whole bunkbed thing again…

So there we were, the 5 of us. Sometimes we wondered who would be the first to marry. Who would be the first to leave our ranks? Who would be the first scab to cross the picket line? It seemed clear to us that there would have to be some sort of brutal punishment to fit this obscene act, and so we looked to see how we could punish the first among us to marry. After a long search, we came across a crusty old can of SPAM. There had been some sort of leak or something, because the top of the can was brown and slightly sticky. Our just verdict was that the first man who left our ranks to become a husband would first have to eat that entire can of SPAM. At the time, it was already over a year old, and this was 4 years ago.

Now our friend Tim is preparing to be betrothed this June. I weep for him no longer, since he seems to show no remorse or understanding for what he is doing. He bears the glazed look of a man resigned to his fate. The fog in his eyes indicates that he accepts that he will soon not be able to hang out with his guy friends and that his wardrobe and behavior will be changed for him.

But what happens if the SPAM makes him fatally ill? Is this punishment too cruel?

Fortunately, our old roommate Joe works for General Mills, and he wrote us this email to offer his solution to our conundrum:

General Mills tech centers have something we call shelf life acceleration rooms. Basically, they are rooms that use high temperature and humidity to accelerate a products shelf life, so for example, we can find out what a product will taste like in 12 months on the shelf, by having it in the acceleration room for 3 months. Since the only really acceptable alternative “prize” should be a five year old can of SPAM…perhaps we should begin to start prepping another.

It’s good to have friends in high places. So Tim will get his just desserts. He will eat a can of SPAM that has been scientifically aged 5 years by our comrades at General Mills. If it makes him puke, all the better for the rest of us.