The Engagement Arms Race
I dread the day when I have to propose to a girl.
This is not because I have a cold and calloused heart (though I do). It is because of the growing insanity that surrounds such an event at my church. There is an escalating arms race of sorts where men have to come up with more and more elaborate ways to propose to a girl in an effort to out-do the other men who have gone before him. As the years go by, it has become ridiculous. Men I know are renting out theaters and setting up lighting rigs and getting bands to play for them.
It is estimated that by the time that I might be ready to pop the question (years from now) my proposal will need to involve:
a) renting a helicoptor
b) trained grizzly bears
c) a Greek amphitheater
d) Lenin’s preserved corpse
e) time travel
I also seem to have a perverse facination with ways that I could make that situation as strange as possible. I used to joke with my friend Sarah that instead of buying a girl an engagement ring, I’d just buy a high-end orange peeler with a diamond attached to the head of it. I’d try to come up with a clumsy rationalization for it: “So just as you’ve peeled away the bitter husk around my heart, I now give you this diamond-encrusted orange peeler so you can more efficiently peel oranges and eat them, or maybe put them in a baggie and bring them to work so you can eat them at lunch… At any rate - do you want to get married or what?”
A sure sign that I’m probably not ready to be married is that I’m seemingly more interested in alienating women than in doing something nice for them. 
Categories:
March 2nd, 2004 at 7:58 am
Well, Peter, that’s probably true.
That said, you know what you should do? You should bring the girl to Alabama. Every girl wants to get engaged here.
Or something.
And if she says no, well, we can party like it’s 1949.
March 2nd, 2004 at 9:04 am
Quick, you need to grab the next girl you see and marry her, before the race gets too much farther out of hand!
Thank God I am already married. Now I can just sit back and alienate Arlene in different ways.
March 2nd, 2004 at 9:14 am
Ryan-
Like getting her pregnant, for instance?
March 2nd, 2004 at 9:20 am
Why is it that single people think about marriage more than married people? Seriously get grip.
It’s like talking about flogging. “Yea I can’t wait to get Flogged, I’m going to have to out do everyone”
I guarantee that if you you were flogged, you wouldn’t be soooo into talking about flogging, you would want to forget about it. You would do things to pretend you weren’t flogged. Like go to singles bars and dance clubs to “hang out”.
Anyways, marriage will complete you!
March 2nd, 2004 at 9:55 am
I can’t wait to get married so my wife and I can flog like rabbits. And you’re right, I’ll be too busy getting flogged to TALK about flogging. Till then, I’ll just have to settle for the Christian version of sex: the Backrub.
March 2nd, 2004 at 10:41 am
Don’t forget Jason, you can only touch the boney part of her shoulder. Not the fleshy part of her back.
Peter I think the ultimate proposal would be to just Fax her a picture of the ring, and just have it say. “so waddya think? Wanna get hitched? Huh?” Then just make sure to have your return Fax number on there, so you know whether you can face her or, if it’s time to find a new Church. At any rate she’d probably find it pretty romantic.
It hasn’t actually worked for me yet, but 37 tries is hardly enough to definitively say one way or the other.
March 2nd, 2004 at 10:54 am
I know someone who can burb this, all in one breath:
“Willyoumarryme?”
I’m not passing any judgment on this story, I’m just telling it.
March 2nd, 2004 at 10:55 am
Oop…I meant burp.
March 2nd, 2004 at 10:58 am
How about marry a woman who doesn’t go to your church so she doesn’t know about all the other proposals? Then you’ll look like a star.
March 2nd, 2004 at 11:12 am
Well, if you ever need help with a Greek Amphitheatre, I can probably help you out (possibly with the services of Yanni….LOL)
March 2nd, 2004 at 12:06 pm
I just think the important thing for you, Peter, is to make it as awkward as possible.
March 2nd, 2004 at 12:54 pm
Awkwardness is essential to a good marriage.
March 2nd, 2004 at 1:52 pm
On an unrelated note, check out my new squirrel/penguin video!!:
http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~blagger/the_duel.html
March 2nd, 2004 at 2:08 pm
Burt-
I believe that this new movie you’ve created will win 19 Academy Awards.
March 2nd, 2004 at 2:23 pm
I totally agree with you!
March 2nd, 2004 at 2:25 pm
Burt - where did you come up with this video? CRAZY!
March 2nd, 2004 at 2:34 pm
Yes, that was so arbitrary… I loved it.
March 2nd, 2004 at 3:05 pm
Burt’s answer: “I made it this week!”
Maren’s answer: a friend emailed me the link. I’m not sure where
she found it, but I thought it was pretty funny, and yes, arbitrary.
March 2nd, 2004 at 7:46 pm
This is one of the few blogs where the comments are as much of a draw as the posts themselves are.
Hil-freakin’-larious.
March 3rd, 2004 at 12:31 pm
Peter: just pick up the next hot chick that wants you after the next Welmore Mile show. Groupies make good wives.
March 4th, 2004 at 3:48 pm
I call them Guitar Whores. And if you don’t want to marry them, scamming them into buying your post-concert meal works too and is commitment-free!
May 26th, 2005 at 12:28 am
[...] arriage. I was incredibly nervous and excited to finally pop the question, after years of dreading the day I would have to propose to a girl. My heart was [...]