I Hate The Sun
For the past two days, I’ve been locked in a bitter struggle to the death with the sun.
It seems that every time I head to or from home f0r the past couple of days, it’s been right at the time where the sun has risen or set to the point where it lays smack dab in the middle of my field of vision. As I drive, I’m rendered blind by the sun’s bastard rays and I’m forced to avert my eyes and stare at the lines on the road in order to continue. I don’t have any of those handy-dandy sunglass clip-ons for my glasses, and so my only recourse is to curse the sun and call for its demise.
This morning I thought I had gotten up early enough to outwit the sun and sneak in to work unimpeded. I don’t know how he found me - maybe he heard me in the shower - but somehow when I got onto the road, there he was. He was smiling and shining on me like the fiery mongrel dog he is. He stared me down for the duration of my journey as I muttered under my breath.
I believe it was Mr. Burns on the Simpsons who said, “Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.” That old adage has never been more true than with me this morning. I have been praying that God would smite the sun for all the evil it has done to me. If there was any justice in the world, then he would. Who does the sun think he is, anyway? Can’t he give it a rest for once? Does he always have to shine? Oh sure, sometimes my cloud buddies come over and back me up, but they’re normally hung over in the morning and they aren’t any help.
So for now, I’ll continue to do battle twice daily with my old adversary. I hope to purchase a shotgun today after work and spend the evening firing shells into the sun, perhaps weakening it to the point where I can mount a full-scale assault tomorrow. Wish me luck, comrades. If I don’t return tomorrow, know that I did what I did for the good of drivers everywhere. Huzzah!
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April 8th, 2004 at 8:18 am
Peter, I’m glad you have a creative outlet like this blog. The last two entries have been fricking hilarious! Even if it makes me feel like my mind is utterly boring. What the heck did you do before you blogged?
April 8th, 2004 at 8:29 am
Thanks Karl. Before I blogged, I would just think about this stuff sometimes and chuckle to myself, assuming that it would alienate everybody I knew if I were to talk about it. But now, since I’ve started the blog I’ve made more friends and have started dating Bridgette.
The moral of the story: be as strange and disturbing as you can possibly be. It cannot fail.
April 8th, 2004 at 8:30 am
Awesome.
April 8th, 2004 at 8:35 am
…Brilliant, even. I don’t know anyone else who could imagine blowing the sun away with a shotgun, and do it with such rectitude. I also enjoy the vastness of vocabulary that is used in this blog.
April 8th, 2004 at 9:24 am
Thank God your mind is controlled by Christ now. I remember a certain song to the tune “We didn’t start the fire”… Funny, but certainly something I’m sure Christ would not want to have your mind dwell on!
April 8th, 2004 at 9:37 am
Yeah….that song was really naughty.
I much prefer my mind nowdays.
April 8th, 2004 at 10:49 am
Ah, I remember that epsisode of the Simpsons. I think that line is one my top ten favorite lines.
Peter you really need to get some sunglasses dood.
April 8th, 2004 at 10:50 am
Well, now you have post the lyrics here, to avoid making the rest of us feel left out!
April 8th, 2004 at 11:03 am
No, no, no. We won’t be posting those lyrics here.
That’s more of an “ask me in private” kind of thing.
They’re bad. But I was in college.
April 8th, 2004 at 11:14 am
Is it a “Peter’s dirty outtake reel” kind of thing?
April 8th, 2004 at 11:24 am
Aren’t you still in college?
I have the Randy Moss line of that song in my head.
You need to create some sort of super-secret guys only (moreover guys who know you well enough not to think you a soulless imp) part of the site for vintage “but i was in college then” material.
April 8th, 2004 at 11:44 am
Tim, this is an outstanding idea.
Kevin Sawyer has a theory that my college friend Niles doesn’t exist, because every time I tell some crazy story from that era I always predicate it with talking about how Niles was there, or I’ll tell insane stuff that he did and Kevin now believes that it’s all just a strange alter-ego I’ve come up with to get away with stuff.
April 8th, 2004 at 1:06 pm
I will attest to the existence of Niles. It is all true.
April 8th, 2004 at 1:32 pm
peter, great stories. i’ve never been on here before. i just got this address from maren this morning. i have to agree its pretty funny stuff!
April 8th, 2004 at 1:40 pm
it would be way more fun if niles didnt exist… how very fight club of you Peter
April 8th, 2004 at 1:49 pm
I always spoil the fun.
April 8th, 2004 at 1:52 pm
Keep spreading the word, my friends!
Muah-ha-ha-ha!!!
April 8th, 2004 at 2:11 pm
I’ve met a guy that Peter called Niles. I didn’t check his credentials though. We showed him a Rock TV we were working on, and he stared straight-faced the whole time until Peter was on, then he perked up and laughed hysterically.
April 8th, 2004 at 2:21 pm
Dr. S-
In Niles’ defense, we WAS watching last year’s Christmas video, so can we really blame him for not laughing?
I remember that encounter though, the whole time I was just hoping that Niles wouldn’t say something horribly inappropriate.
April 8th, 2004 at 3:02 pm
I am affraid of Niles. I hear you have to make a good first impression, otherwise he will never talk to you again as long as you live.
April 8th, 2004 at 4:21 pm
Yo, Pete.
I have a new header for your site based on the above post. Check it out:
http://www.startribune.com/mcu/projects/m/matt/tjlp_header.jpg
April 8th, 2004 at 4:27 pm
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Matt, that is the greatest thing ever! It’s so epic!
Thanks bro.
Geof, any chance we can implement that mofo anytime soon?
April 8th, 2004 at 4:43 pm
Yeah, I remember hearing of a horrendously inappropriate comment that Niles made regarding Jeremy the Perfect Boyfriend that did not make the manifesto. But you’ll have to ask peter about that one in person too.
April 8th, 2004 at 6:22 pm
Peter never tells what Niles actually said, though.
April 9th, 2004 at 8:22 am
I still don’t believe Nile’s exists, and met him once. I’m pretty sure it was some guy Peter scraped up at the last minute to stand in for miles. Nope. I’m telling you he’s made. Just like Tom Hipp’s “friend” Gordy.
April 9th, 2004 at 10:27 am
Peter: I’ll look into it.
I love your outlet, too.
But I live east of work, so I don’t have this problem.
Always live east of work.
September 22nd, 2006 at 4:48 pm
i hate the fuckin sun, used to love it, in New York when i was 20, coulnt wait for spring, now i live in Florida and it sucks my big dick thank you
December 25th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
i HATE the sun so much i try to aviod it all the time,i hate to be tan i love white beautiful skin i use a unbrella when i go out in the sun!!! i hate the sun with passion!!!!!!!!!!! i HATE IT I HATE IT.I NEED TO BE A VAMPIRE!!!!SO I CAN NEVER GO OUT IN THE SUN!!!!!!!!I LOVE THE LYRICS TO THE SONG!!!
December 30th, 2006 at 1:07 am
you will live longer if avoid the sun
December 30th, 2006 at 1:11 am
i use umbrella when i go outside in the sun,so the rays don’t touch my skin