One of the more enjoyable elements of my recent vacation was getting to spend some time with my dog Bailey. Now Bailey, like myself, has more than a few peculiar obsessive tendancies (including his penchant for licking metal). My brother Patrick shared with me a video he shot on his camera of Bailey drinking water out of his dish for a disturbing length of time. He pauses briefly when he hears Patrick laughing, but then resumes his intense consumption. It’s also worth noting that Bailey was already drinking when Patrick entered the cabin, and continued drinking while Patrick got out the camera and got ready to shoot, so Bailey was hurriedly slurping for nearly five minutes. The file is a bit large, but I’m happy to make it available to you all, so that you might also enjoy how pleasantly troubling it is.

Click here to download the clip!

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to feel a little thirsty…

I spent last weekend locked away in a cabin up in northern Minnesota. It was a profound experience being locked away from society with no television, radio, paved roads, or Dairy Queen Blizzard treats. It was man vs. the elements. While holed up in this cabin, I came to learn much about myself. The cabin became a cocoon of sorts, and I began to emerge as a new, more beautiful version of myself after spending a few days in the bathroom pupating.

My friends, say hello to the new me.

It all began with my first sip of Stroh’s. Once my tongue had acquired a taste for that unique blend of barley, hops, and fun-sauce, there was no turning back. I began speaking in low, gutteral tones, muttering to myself about fishing regulations and snowmobiling. I now found myself lusting for the hunt of big game, but in the absence of any rifle, I grabbed the discarded antler you see and took off stealthily into the woods to pursue the mighty elk. I bounded through the forest with the speed of the cheetah, the grace of the deer, and the cunning of the dolphin. It was a sight akin to Sylvester Stallone in Rambo: First Blood, except that Brian Dennehy was nowhere present. After pausing briefly to eat a fruit roll-up, I spotted an albino elk with golden antlers. It was a sight more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. It saw me and beckoned me to come closer to him, that we might have an inter-species summit to discuss the future of these great north woods. At that moment, I sped towards him with great quickness and bludgeoned him to death with the antler. Dragging the 900-lb beast the 12 miles back to the cabin was a chore, and I was further frustrated to learn that we had no prior knowledge of how to clean or cook an elk. In the end, we decided to throw the albino elk carcass into the lake, in hopes that it would wash ashore at a nearby resort and they would have to deal with it.

In summation, the point of my story is this: I am a new, better man now. Where before I was ineffectual and cerebral, I am now dull-minded and prone to fits of arbitrary violence. Where before I was ambitious, I am now unwilling to leave the confines of my cabin without promise of fruit snacks. Where before I was at least moderately disciplined, Stroh’s beer now regularly comprises over 7% of my blood/alcohol content. If you see me, be still and avoid making sudden movements. Such behaviors are likely to provoke me to attacking you with my antler-weapon. Hold out your jacket to puff up your size if I approach you, and scream loudly so that I will be startled and dart back into the forest.

It is the only way.

Greetings, young fools.

I’m back from my vacation now, and I will regale you with tales of cabin love on Friday. But for now, I’d like to share something a little more special with you. Back in the 1900’s, when I was in high school, I used a neat little program on my family’s computer to create short children’s books. Of course, given my nature, these stories were disturbing and violent. I will be sharing these stories with you, beginning with this one.

This tale is entitled “Steven is Naughty”

Today marks the end of an era for the John Larroquette Project. For nine months, I have regaled you five times a week with my pleasantly insane delusions, and flights of fancy into realms of lust, violence, and beyond. It has been quite a ride. But now, with the advent of my new career, I will be forced to scale back the John Larroquette Project a bit. I anticipate writing new entries two or three afternoons a week, as time permits.

I apologize about this, because I know how important the John Larroquette Project has become to your daily life. I wish I could offer another blog that could fill this hole for you, but frankly, every other blog in existance sucks my ass compared with the JLP.

To commemorate the end of this era of daily blogging, I would like to leave all of you with an appropriate message. Given the content of this blog, I am of course speaking of the message of sheer hatred. You see, I hate all of you. Most of you I don’t know, but be assured that if I did ever meet you, I would loathe you to a degree beyond human comprehension. My desire to punish you for your iniquity and insufferability would be enough to clog all my vital organs with pure, concentrated revulsion. Many of you I know personally. To you people, I reserve only the highest form of hatred. Cloaked in a passive-aggresive guise of slick smiles and side remarks, I have hidden my disgust for you for years so that I could release it upon you at this very moment. Your faces, personalities, and in fact your very existances are an abomination, and a permanent stain on the human race, like human excrament on the living room carpet of our world. I wish that there was enough time for me to go into detail in describing the degree to which each of you nauseate me with your odious selves, but alas, there is not. Writing this blog for you people is like throwing pearls before swine, but I will do my best to keep this going for you ingrates. I hope that you can find another purpose for your life, in liu of the JLP’s absence. I don’t hold out hope that this will happen for most of you, but it is my prayer nonetheless.

Thank you, and good day.

I love filling out these forwarded email quizzes. I hope you learn something new and interesting about me today!

WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Peter

WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans. (note that this doesn’t actually answer the question)

THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? First, I check for any revolting deformities or open wounds that they might have. After that, their smile.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? bored. anxious for the weekend. slightly thirsty.

FAVORITE SPORT? football, basketball, baseball, dog-tossing, cross country squatting, horse-gutting, and volleyball.

FAVORITE MONTH? October’s generally pretty awesome. I also love December because of the holidays. And the increased road fatalities.

FAVORITE FOOD? flour

FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Christmas eve is tremendous. I’ve also had a strange run of awesome April 17ths lately.

HUGS OR KISSES? I prefer hugs over kisses, but I prefer making out over hugs. I prefer arm-wrestling over either.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? Nice townhouse with a roommate. Separate beds.

What book are you reading right now? “Content Area Reading and Writing” I just got to the part where he caught her cheating with another guy.

What did you do last night? Some reading, followed by an Alva Star show with Brent. Then I layed down to go to sleep, but I didn’t sleep at first. For a while I just layed there with my eyes closed. I thought about stuff and adjusted my bodily position at times. After a while of doing that then I actually did, in fact, sleep.

Favorite smells? Italian food and blood.

Favorite car? Anything with naked women painted on it

How many keys are on your ring? 5, apartment key, car key, mailbox key, church office key, and my key to unlocking a horrible, terrifying alternate universe which I hope to never use but I keep it in case I ever get bored.

Do you own a donor card? I plan to eat all my essential organs before I die so that nobody else can have them.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? I think about french dressing.

WHAT SCARES YOU MOST? The thought of something bad happening to my family or closest friends. That and midgets.

Number of candles on your last birthday cake? I didn’t have a “cake” as much as I had a “convenience store microwavable sandwich” But I put 26 candles in it and momentarily staved off depression.

Any Piercings? both retinas

Been to Africa? Metaphorically speaking, many times.

Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Cry, no. Vomit, yes.

Been in a car accident? No. But I’ve had an accident in the car.

Favorite day(s) of the week? Any days where we edit Rock TV!! HA HA HA!!! But seriously, Saturday.

How many times did you fail your drivers test? Once. But my dad bribed him for my birthday present.

Most annoying thing people ask you: “How tall are you?” That and, “Have you shown that to a doctor?”

Bedtime: 11:30 - right before the ghosts come out.

Favorite TV show(s): Any show where Terry Bradshaw is shot in the back of his head.

Ford or Chevy? Jesus likes Chevy more (Obadiah 19:4)

WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Dennis

WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My father, Chet, who will not receive this email.

LONDON — Actress Alicia Witt models what is claimed to be the most expensive hat ever made, the $2,700,000 Champrau d’Amour, by celebrity couture hat designer Louis Mariette, at Christies in London. The hat is covered entirely in dazzling diamonds and inspired by entwined ivy and bluebells. (06/14/04 AP photo)

So this hat is worth $2.7 million?

…Yeah, I suppose that sounds about right.

That has got to be the greatest hat I’ve seen in a long time, and I wish I had the finances to pick one of them up. Some mornings my hair just will not cooperate, and I just have to throw a hat on so I won’t have to deal with it. Most of the time I’ll choose a baseball cap, but some days I’d prefer to have a massive, diamond-encrusted set of antlers that completely blocks vision in my left eye. I’d just throw that sumbitch on my head, pull an old t-shirt out of the hamper and I’m set for the day. Lots of times I like to wear my caps backwards, but I think that wearing this particular hat backwards would upset its tenuous balance, straining my neck and likely causing disfiguring scoliosis. This would also occur if the wearer of the hat were to turn his or her head 5 degrees in any direction.

Actually, this hat is starting to sound really awesome. I wonder if they make one with a Red Sox logo on it?