The Ham Bed
This is awesome:
NEW YORK — Brooklyn-based artist Cosimo Cavallaro regards his finished work of art, a bed with more than 300 pounds of sliced ham, at a gallery in New York. Cavallaro, 41, the son of immigrants from southern Italy, said the ham is “a pure form of America: all kinds of parts, boiled and pressed together.” Despite his Italian heritage and training in an Italian art school, Cavallaro said he had rejected Prosciutto because “It would have been pompous.”
How I long to indulge in the untold pleasures that this ham bed could provide. I love ham in nearly every form - ham sandwiches, ham omelets, and whatnot. Sometimes as a child, my mother would make a huge ham-sphere for me the size of a basketball. It normally took about a week for me to consume it in its entirety, but it was always delicious and rewarding. Cosimo Cavallaro’s art would seem to be tailor-made for my ham-related sensibilities.
How I yearn to go to sleep at night, warming myself by covering my body in piles of ham that fit snugly into my body’s every crevasse. The ham’s wet, fleshy warmth would be a womb of sorts, protecting me from the dangers of the outside world. I would pay any price for the privilege of finding peace amidst the ham. The only danger involved for me would be in the combining of my ham-lust with the comfort of a bed. There is a possibility of my roommate being awoken by the specter of me flopping in ecstasy amidst the writhing ham mound, my skin moistened with the meat, and bleating like a coked-up goat.
I can’t wait…
Categories:
As Homer Simpson would say: “Mmmmmm….Hammm…Arggggh…”
The only thing to make it better would be to pour gallons of mayonnaise onto the ham creating a smooth, silky film to rejuvenate my skin and cause me to drool as I have adventurous dreams involving ham.
Mayonnaise!
Man, why didn’t I think of that! Nicely done, Sarah
visions of peter dry-humping a bed full of ham will be with me always. i haven’t decided whether that’s good or bad yet. i’ll think about it and i’ll let you know.
“dry humping” - I almost used that term in this entry, but decided against it after talking with Adam about it.
Thanks for dropping that bomb for me, *tami*.
whats wrong with “dry humping”?.. I mean.. although.. it wouldnt be dry humping.. because the ham isnt dry.. it would be more “moist humping” than anything.. and let me say that the these 3 words together “writhing ham mound”… is infinitley more disturbing than “dry humping”
I think using “dry-humping” conotes a very masturbatory image.
I found “writing ham mound” to be infinitely more funny. I have tears…
An immediate Best Of!
Any attempt of mine to add anything will fall pathetically short.
Pillows & Sheets - $100
Matress from Matress Giant - $750
300 lbs. of thinly sliced ham - $1,197
Visions of Peter lying in it - Priceless
I think everything would be more comfortable with a mound of ham. So I am filling my car with it and will resort to the moon roof to enter and exit
I like the guy in the picture. He is the best.
Drifted over from Adam’s peter hating blog.
wow.
I don’t get this one either.
Does ham taste better with salt or sugar on it? One time I ate ham but it turned out it was a dream. Darn.
I thought the guy was nuts, until I read that he considered prosciutto to be “pompous.”
That has always been my position, so he must be OK.
adam, dry-humping is hillarious! it’s not masturbatory at all. it takes two to tango… or something like that. not that i condone it. i’m just saying.
peter + ham = good
I think that my head just exploded.
You know who not to deal with. My bicthes no who to deal with. So dont make me trip. Im big bad Jimmy Kanada. talking back at ya! My gun has a full clip, money in a gold clip, step on my grass and watch yo blood drip. We dont play. From Hollywood to L.A. Im Texas raised, so dont ruin my day. Who can drink mo beer, shoot mo deer, take a piss off a peer, then bust a nut in yo wifes ear.Yes it’s plain to see, the analogy of Jimmy. So watch yo mouth because one day you might see me!
You know who not to deal with. My bicthes no who to deal with. So dont make me trip. Im big bad Jimmy Kanada. talking back at ya! My gun has a full clip, money in a gold clip, step on my grass and watch yo blood drip. We dont play. From Hollywood to L.A. Im Texas raised, so dont ruin my day. Who can drink mo beer, shoot mo deer, take a piss off a peer, then bust a nut in yo wifes ear.Yes it’s plain to see, the analogy of Jimmy. So watch yo mouth because one day you might see me!My name is Jimmy Kanada. Who has the audacity to challenge 11 of my baddest neutered blood hounds with rabies, drink more Mad Dog 20/20, smoke more Winston cigarettes, smoke more cigars, smoke more packs of Marboro 100’s, sick 44 starved beagles on a bull frog, whip a mule with a pair of deer antlers, spit more dip, drink more Coors light, bust up more salt lick, crack more mountain ice while shooting at mountain goats, ride a moose through 8 miles of swamp land, and make a wife lick the moss and sweat from in between ole Marvin Kennedy’s toes, mow more grass, talk more jive, shred more hay, dig more ditches, trim more hedges, drink more coffee, catch more bass fish, rope more cattle, use more giraffe spit and battery acid blended together for rat poison, vomit more grape wine, sip more yak, Bust more salt lick, make more beef jerky from buffalo meat, bar-b-q more quail, pluck more chickens, Tame more jackals, throw a guinea pig in a chicken coup full of wiener dogs, bust a bottle full of pee up against the mayors limo, beat a hillbilly to the punch line, crack open more pecans, eat more planters peanuts, chop more cedar wood, stomp on a plant full of water bugs with gator boots on, drop a wood rat in a bucket full of fire ants and scorpions, breed a pack of male hyenas with a half dozen Dobermans, milk a bull cow, sip more tonic, make a mule gallop through mud packing sun flower seeds, plow more desert land, make the nephews fix the sewage tank and clean the commodes after Thanksgiving, pop more black cats (fire works), sick 44 blood hounds on a wounded baby hippopotamus crippled on land by a shot gun bullet, curse, Play more blues and who in the hell can whip more deer, milk more goats, shave more sheep, sip more tonic mixed with gin, puke more coors light and grape wine, shoot more ducks in mid flight, break more deer necks, tame more hyenas, smoke more weed, smoke more Cool Filter Kings, jam more blues (Al Green) at midnight, pop more cherrys, spit more dip, whip more ass, piss longer, curse louder while walking barefoot through a swamp, trim more trees, sic more blood hounds on a pig, drink more yak, out fuss any slut into licking toes and stripping, gut more sword fish, bust more watermelon, grease more shot gun barrels, neuter more doberman pinschers, crack more mountain ice while shooting shot gun rounds at mountain goats, fight more geese with bare nuckles before sicking the pitbulls, sing the tracks of Betty Wright better, stomp more snails with only dress socks on, take more heat from the sun, cook more deer meat before catfishing with a spear gun, fill more milk jugs full of guerrilla piss, chew more gum and corn, gulp more liquir, roast more penguins, chunk more guinea pigs in a chicken cage full of blood thirsty mangy mutts with the aids virus, kill more jack rabbitts with a piece of glass, poop in more buckets to mix with lime juice, crack open more sea snail shells with a car jack, slap more lambs, peel more oranges, make more cock roach poison out of blended battery acid and giraffe piss, shoot more cross bow arrows at a politition’s mansion from the weeds, spit more loogies in Walgreens, dance better in a croud of drunks, urinate longer in the back of a taxi cab, swing more sloths around in a circle by the balls tied to a shoe string, fry more octopus in dead fish grease for greyhound chow, hit more swan birds in the water with a truck load of broken gravel, milk more camels to make the step mother oatmeal, whip up more horse dookey and butter in order to force feed it to a retarded elf, take more wasp stings only to catch them for hunting season, make more hard headed house brides run across more sewage leaks in the yard for punishment, beat more hillbillys to the punch line after 11 bottles of Mad Dog 20/20, Train more sheep dogs to murder pigeons, laugh in the face of more census takers, cut more lumber, bust more salt lick only to grind it for monkey poop mixing, hunt more zebra for truck seat covers, fart more beans in Taco Bell, steal more chickens from another mans farm, scare more pizza delivery boys with a red hot branding iron fresh out of the fire, seduce more weman in the back of a big foot truck while sipping grape wine, make more chumps dance while ducking gun shots to the toes, and brush whiter teeth on a drunk mule packing a sack of pecans and marijuana seeds? Than JIMMY KANADA DAMMIT!! !! ??
Who in the hell dares to step on Jimmy Kanada’s grass to out grape wine drink, piss for the longest time on the store room floor of Walgreens, mix more baboon poop and butter for force feeding 4 geese with the mumps, shoot more shot gun rounds up the butt crack of a moose, vex more 92 year old cowboys by throwing mangy stray mutts over in theyre chicken cages, sick more doberman pinschers with the aids virus on a 3 leg having goat, throw more honey dipped piglets up against a wasp nest, stick more needles through the flesh of a dead camel, get a mule the drunkest on moon shine before brushing the donkeys teeth with colgate in order to see the donkeys teeth at night,neuter more wild zebra in the dark with a razor blade, make more fat girls cum with a classic pickle, make more short leprechauns clean the sewage tank after june with 3 dress socks for violating my grass, curse out more pricks for not comprehending the 11 blood hounds with tape worms, make a hooker lick toes for not being sexy, flick more Kool Filter King lit cigarettes at a pizza delivery boy for not saying yes sir, Train more starving beagles to pluck a goose, sell more crack in the ghetto, piss off taller sky scrapers after new years eve, eat more planters peanuts while plowing the dessert, hunt more sloth in the rain forrest, mix more fish guts, guerrilla piss, ape man poop, and rat poison to kill palmetto roaches in a cave, shoot more bats with piss dipped darts, cause more avalanches while shooting a bazooka up at mountain rams, make a horny cow watch me titty screw a tramp woman, tell the sickest jokes, strangle more flamingos with a car jack, piss on the top of a 3ft tall mans head from London for kicks, Bust more wine bottles up against the limo of the next county judge, drop more piglets in a tank full of water snakes and stinging sea snails, blow up more country clubs with 44 sticks of lit dynomite, fry more road runner birds in a pot full of piss and fish grease while they are still alive and kicking, fry more poop mixed with eggs in order to punish a drunk horse with gold teeth, cause more monkeys to masterbate by showing them porn, milk more giraffes with a water hose, fight more computer geeks drunk to the sweet sounds of the Jackson Five, Jam more Al green while steaming greens, sic more red nose pitbulls on a guinea pig, mix more guerrilla piss with cow nut for boiling frogs, make more home made honey from a bee’s nest, crush more beer cans with a jack hammer, train more Hyenas to murder swans from a pond, sit for 2 days in a truck jamming Barry White before cursing out the wife and getting piss drunk on moon shine quicker than bad ass Jimmy Kanada huh?!