There’s something magical about the first snowfall of the season.

This year was even more special than most. Saturday morning, I woke up bleary-eyed and dragged myself out of my bedroom. Just as I was about to descend the stairs I noticed that the light coming in from the windows was unusually bright. I looked more closely and stopped in my place when I saw it - it had snowed!

It was beautiful. I stood hypnotized for a brief moment, softly reflecting on the wonderful little miracles that God provides for us. However, in the excitement of the moment I shamefully defecated down my legs.

Startled by this foul development, I lost my balance and my foot slipped on the newly-stained carpet. As I tumbled down the stairway, feces spraying all about the walls and my face, I noted to myself that the first snow brings out the child in all of us. I was merely reverting back to my childlike nature by crapping myself and falling headfirst into pain. When I landed on the cold tile of the kitchen, the sound of my tendons snapping pierced the stillness of the morning. As my dog began to lick the forbidden stains on the stairway walls, I knew that winter was finally here. In this moment of warm sentiment, I reached to try to pet Bailey, but my elbow was bent completely the wrong way and my forearm dangled unnaturally. I smiled to myself - all was well in my world. My body probably heal after a series of painful surgeries, my mother would be able to clean away my feces while wretching and dry heaving, all these things were temporary. ..

But the first snow? That lasts forever.*

Good afternoon.

*The snow melted the following afternoon.

So today I was flipping through the channels at my parents place, and I was pleased to come across one of the great movie misfires of the last quarter-century, Hook.

While enduring this unfortunate two-hour pile of horsecrap, I had the time to reflect on many things. For the first time in my life, I saw clearly the path that led me to becoming the man I am today. All things were shown to me - the experience was akin to the conclusion of 2001: A Space Oddessy. I could see that the movie’s shameless attempts to coax joy from the viewer resulted only in creating a boiling sea of cynicism and loathing that now pours forth onto this blog. All things having to do with children in this movie have no connection whatsoever to any human behavior or desires. The lost boys in Neverland live like gypsy skater punks, which is confounding enough to begin with. They pepper their language with exclaimations like “Bangarang!”, and make reference to Robin Williams being “The Pan”. Why do they do this? It’s difficult to understand - mostly likely because Steven Spielberg wanted to make them seem hip and cool. Are these things cool, though? Is it really that easy? Bangarang!

The leader of these rag-wearing biatches is an aggressive young man named Rufio. Rufio is the finest skater of them all, and he strangely seems to be about 8 years older than all the other boys. Rufio is adamant that Robin Williams is not the Pan, and the boys support him by chanting, “RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O” While I admit to not understanding fully what the title of “The Pan” implies, after witnessing Robin Williams’ feature film appearances in the late nineties (ranging from Patch Adams to Bicentennial Man) I feel safe in asserting that he not any sort of Pan whatsoever. I couldn’t understand whether Rufio countered that he himself was the Pan, or whether the Pan was a third, yet unseen character of the film. It is my hope that the Pan would be able to inform the audience what the hell Julia Roberts was doing in the movie for her whole 3 minutes of screen time.

In the end, I have no great message of hope or thanks for you on this Holiday. My only message to you is one of annoyance and hatred. Happy holidays to all. All, that is, except for Robin Williams.

You ever hear the old saying, “there’s nothing new under the sun”? Well, that would certainly seem to hold true for comedy writers lately. A few months ago, I regaled you with the tale of the Rabbit Lady, a woman who kept 160 (mostly dead) rabbits in her home. I mentioned at the time that it was a very funny concept, but her execution of the bit left something to be desired.

Now I open the St. Paul Pioneer Press to find this:

450 CATS CLEARED FROM HOME

By Kevin Harter

Pioneer Press

ST. CROIX FALLS, Wis. - Shielded by hazardous materials suits against the toxic combination of feces, ammonia from urine and decaying flesh, crews removed about 450 cats Friday from a home along the St. Croix River.

A gut-wrenching stench, something akin to raw sewage combined with rotting meat, carried by a westerly breeze, attracted a bald eagle and turkey vulture for closer looks.

Inside the two-story white clapboard home, the crews equipped with oxygen tanks and air filters made their way through a catacomb of debris, including garbage bags and barrels filled with dead cats, all of which were covered by several inches of cat feces.

St. Croix Falls Fire Capt. Jeff Gutzmer called his trips into the home “like going into hell.”

“The numbers. I’ve never seen anything like this. It’s beyond words, beyond description,” Gutzmer said of the dead and dying cats, and the waste they produced. “It’s almost impossible to believe anyone could live. It’s toxic.”

The home’s residents - an 86-year-old retired county health care nurse, her 47-year-old daughter and 52-year-old son-in-law - are expected to face felony charges, including animal abuse. The Polk County district attorney, working with investigators, could file charges as early as Monday. Meantime, the residents were staying at a local motel.

Cats living on the main floor of the house on South River Street appeared to be more domesticated than the ones on the second floor. Many of the hundreds of cats were believed to be diseased.

After three firefighters were bitten trying to round up some of the cats, the crew decided the safest, healthiest and most humane option would be to asphyxiate the remaining animals by pumping carbon monoxide into the house.

“The cats on the second floor were wild, feral cats, and we decided it was too risky,” said Police Chief Paul Lindholm.

Firefighters attached large hoses from the exhaust of the fire trucks to pump the carbon monoxide into the house - one of only six on the street.

Any cats found still alive were euthanized by injection.

Talk about stealing somebody else’s joke! What a copycat!

So these people must have heard about the Rabbit Lady, and decided to up the ante by about 300 dead cats. I fashion myself as something of a comedy writer, and I’d like to give these people my notes on their performance:

-Cats were probably a funnier choice than rabbits, like I mentioned in the Rabbit Lady post. They’re more cuddly, and the idea of a half-foot of decomposing, rotted cat flesh is comedic gold!

-I absolutely loved the concept of having levels of domestication separated by floors. When the upstairs is completely inhabited with deranged, bloodthirsty cats, you’ve got yourself a unique joke. Maybe next time you could keep a few dozen mountain cats in the attic?

-The bit where you killed the cats by pumping exhaust from a fire truck into the house was very clever. If there’s something funnier than horrible cat squalor, it’s cat suffocation.

-The quick mention of the bald eagle and vulture circling overhead got a laugh out of me. Perhaps you could have included a descriptive reference to the bald eagle absconding with a rotting cat husk? For an extra punch, reference the dead cat head falling off in mid-flight.

-The fact that all of this took place in Wisconsin was a nice touch, albeit a little predictable.

Hey guys. While I’m busy toiling away at my new job (I’m loving it, but it keeps me way too busy), I’m pleased to present this post from guest blogger Kevin Sawyer. I found this to be incredibly hilarious. If you are offended by anything you read here, I believe I speak for Kevin when I say tell you that’s just too damn bad.

Enjoy!

We’ve all met them.  Women who seem cool.  They’re fun to be around at first.  Maybe you’re even interested in them.  But then it turns out they’re entirely crazy.  And suddenly you’re friends with (or worse, dating) a woman who is dangerously out of control.  They must be stopped.  Even destroyed. But how to spot them before it’s too late? Let the handy-dandy freak-o-meter light the way! Score her on the following questions. 
 
Number of times she cries per week (1 pt. for each, disregard tears of joy, or death-related crying)

Number of animated films she owns (1 pt. for each in excess of five - disregard if she is a single mother)

Number of pets (1 pt. for each, with 2 pt. bonus if more than 2 species are represented)

Number of times she calls parents per week (1pt. for each in excess of 2)

Number of times she visits parents per week (1 pt. for each, or 3 pts. if she lives with her parents)

Number of flake-outs per month (missing appointments, dates, ministry obligations et al… for reasons other than work or illness… 1 pt., illness must be verified by a doctor, and allergies do not count)

Number of floral print outfits she owns (1 pt. for each in excess of 2)

Number of permanent medications not related to birth defects (2 pts.)

Number of shows she watches religiously that are on UPN or WB (2 pts. each)

Number of doctor visits per month (1 pt. each, excepting routine exams)

Number of times she has switched churches (2 pts. each)

Number of movies she has watched more than five times (1 pt. each)

Number of particular food/beverage items she consumes more than 4 times per week (i.e. Dr. Pepper, biscotti, 1 pt. each, cereals exempt) 

Number of bumper stickers she has affixed to her car (1 pt. each not including college decals, not to exceed 3… 1 Bush/Cheney sticker shall be considered exempt for this election cycle)

Number of times she has arrived so late for an event that she has missed the event entirely (1 pt. each)

Number of articles of clothing she has in her back seat (1 pt. each in excess of three)
 

Answer the following questions:
 
Within one month of knowing her, did she reveal information about her bowel movements or menstrual cycles? (2pts.)
Does she smoke? (3 pts.)
Is she a democrat? (3 pts.)
Undecided? (2 pts.)
Voting for Nader? (11 pts.)
Has she named her car? (1 pt.)
Does she describe herself as melancholic? (2 pts. with an additional 1 pt. if she brings up the subject without provocation)
Choleric? (1 pt.)
Melancholic-choleric? (2 bonus points)
Has she described the loss of a pet as a time when God really let her down. (4 pts.)
Does she frequently wear hats? (1 pt.)
Is Robin Williams among her top three favorite actors? (1 pt.)
Is Sandra Bullock? (1 pt.)
Both? (3 pts.)
Has she ever written a card or e-mail to tell you she’s mad at you? (2 pts.)
Has she ever apologized for something you did not know she had done to you, and didn’t care? (2 pts.)
Does she live alone? (1 pt.)
Does she listen exclusively to Christian music? (2 pts.)
Does she drive stick shift? (1 pt.)
Has she lived on her own, then moved back in with her parents? (3 pts. for each time this has happened)
Has she ever described a gynecological exam to you without you bringing it up? (2 pts.)
Does she wear socks with little balls, or some other 3-dimensional element to them? (2 pts.)
Does she wear sweatpants in public? (2 pts.)
 
 
If she scored
 
0-5: Normal.  No need to worry.
 
6-10: Keep an eye on her.  No major cause for concern, but keep her in your prayers.
 
11-15:  Serious warning signs.  She clinging to a slippery rope.
 
16-20: A danger to herself.  An intervention is necessary before she alienates everyone around her.
 
21+: Alert the FBI