Ben Franklin: Man of Lies
When I’m not working or crapping out this nonsense for all of you, I’ve lately enjoyed the company of a very fine biography - Benjamin Franklin: An American Life, by Walter Isaacson.
Franklin’s life was quite an amazing one, filled with wit, wisdom, contradictions, and seafood. He was a cosmopolitan individual with interests in science, philosophy, theology, politics, and homespun advice. Among Ben Franklin’s most notable accomplishments include:
-Using a kite, a wet string, and a key, proving that lightning was electricity and devising that buildings could avoid damage from lightning by using a lightning rod, which he also invented.
-In his annual Poor Richard’s Almanac, he coined such notable phrases as “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”, and, “Fish and guests stink after three days.”
-He defeated Craglon the Dragon King by using the Scepter of Avercron, thus ending a thousand years of human misery.
-He was an instrumental voice of moderation and compromise among America’s Founding Fathers.
-He was the first to advise Abraham Lincoln to grow a beard, and ironically was later a stableboy for Robert E. Lee before his left hand was eaten by wild dogs following the battle of Fredricksburg.
-He founded the University of Pennsylvania, along with several other philosophical clubs that exist to this day.
-He briefly served as an archenemy to the Flash.
-He coined the affectionate phrase, “Snug as a bug in a rug” for his godson William.
-He invented satellite radio, though he himself did not know it and no historian has ever made such a claim.
-His illegitimate son, Kenny Rogers, later became a country singer of some renown.
-In his early days as a printer, he molded the ‘Franklin Gothic’ font that many newspapers use to this day.
-He wrote the theme song to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”.
-He invented running.
-He coined a phrase often misattributed to the Bible: “God helps them that help themselves.”
-While stranded near the north pole, he singlehandedly harpooned a massive sea lion and subsisted off its raw flesh for nigh on 8 years before being rescued by Charles Lindburgh.
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January 27th, 2005 at 10:29 am
peter, you only mentioned crap once in this post… unless, of course, you count your reference to kenny rodgers, in which case it was twice. still, are you feeling okay?
January 27th, 2005 at 1:57 pm
Ben Franklin used barbed wire for flossing and for underclothes.
January 28th, 2005 at 11:56 am
Man, after I read this I can see why you wanted to be a teacher of social studies. I never knew any of that!
January 28th, 2005 at 3:54 pm
I know! Every other teacher sucks compared to me!
January 28th, 2005 at 4:53 pm
Aye, I also hear that George Washington was an avid Spelunker. Who was once trapped in a cave for nigh 8 years as well. I believe he survived on only raw bat guano.
January 28th, 2005 at 6:28 pm
Peter, peter…
I was horribly disappointed to find your comment over on my blog so deceptively NORMAL. No mention of vomit or feces anywhere. Bummer. Glad you likey, however… stop by again sometime. For the record, my bro and I have been reading JLP for a while now… and are big (albeit dumber) fans of your work. Keep it up.
January 29th, 2005 at 10:49 am
I thought Benjamin Franklin pioneered work on the internet as well….no? And let’s not forget about his other more illegitimate son: Young Frankenstein whose name was changed from Young Franklin to protect his identity from Washington’s band of CIA renegades.
January 31st, 2005 at 9:20 am
That was Al Gore who invented the internet.
January 31st, 2005 at 11:22 am
I just finished the book this morning.
Turns out the butler did it.
January 11th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
[...] Ben Franklin: Man of Lies by Peter Welle: The sorely underappreciated post that took 3 months in the making deserves some recognition, especially this fun fact I’ve referenced a number of times, “He briefly served as archenemy to the flash.” [...]
June 12th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
You failed to mention the invention of Jazz hands, his incredible escapades through Denver, and the Benjamin Curb, which happens to be one of the most difficult tap dance routine manuvers ever created since standing completely still. I love your hair cut.