As I write this, I am in the basement of the house with my lights off.

I’m sick of giving kids candy, and I don’t care anymore.

These little butt-guzzlers have been ringing my doorbell all night long, and I’ve been whipping Kit-Kats at them like I was an ill-tempered Sandy Koufax. I mean, for crying out loud, I’m trying to get some work done in here! Like I don’t have better things to do than to toss some little princess or Sith lord an undersized packet of Skittles. I would just as well spoonfeed BBQ sauce to a malnourished walrus.

So now I’m down in the dark, dank basement huddled over the glow of this computer’s monitor, and sucking the remaining flavor out of a chunk of jerkeyed meat that long ago lost its tang. I am wearing sweatpants and muttering obscenities towards a man named Seth whose existence is unlikely. I have made no effort to stop the jerky-drool that is collecting on my desk, for to do so would be an affront to the Jerkeymaster (i.e. Seth). My elbows feel dry. My hair is bushy and unkempt. My dreams lay about me in ruin.

Merry Halloween everybody.

I feel so refreshed and delicious today! I am brimming with vigor and life essence!

Hooray for falling back into daylight savings!

I woke up an hour before I needed to this morning, as my body was still adjusting to the extra hour it had been given. How glorious was it to simply roll over and continue sleeping! In my extra hour I dreamt of fudge-treats and the world champion 1991 Minnesota Twins.

I later awoke fully-rested to a sunny morning. Even though it was Monday, and my life is otherwise a relentless drone of despair and drudgery, nothing could dampen my mood. It was as if my head had been anointed by the oils of Allan, the Cherub of Mirth.

Now I sit here at work with a sunny smile and a youthful disposition. I have boundless energy and vitality. My confidence is sky-high. I tell you, I can do no wrong!

I also did cocaine.

Bridgette’s been having a tough time lately trying to decide on the music for her wedding processional. Canon in D is overplayed (even with the dead horse angle), and many of the other options just aren’t really standing out to her.

I suggested the Rolling Stones gem, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”.

Yeah…that didn’t go over so well.

Oh well, I guess there’s always Manowar.

A brief news flash from my brother…

NATION RELIEVED - MORE CATS TO COME
by Pat Welle

The nation sighed in relief Tuesday morning upon the discovery that there are yet more cats to come. This came after the grim discovery that the nation had gone an alarming 22 days without a new cat coming into the world.
< --possible future cat

The herald of that dismal announcement, Cat Scientist and former Actor Harold Ramis, added, “Considering cats can have a maximum of three, possibly four litters a year puts this statistic in perspective. Also noteworthy is the fact that my research was limited to studies of my own 15 cats. I don’t think anyone should worry.”

Luckily, Skittles the Cat was recognized as pregnant, a condition which traditionally signals an impending birth. Travis Vel, a long-time cat admirer, voiced his appreciation of Skittles’ pregnancy - “I always wanted a cat, but just never got around to getting one. To think I almost missed my chance!”

Skittles’ litter, which Vel estimates will be born in three years or less, could yield anywhere from three to forty kittens, according to local speculation.

Already, overjoyed cat fanatics from across the nation are lining up to see what could be the last naturally conceived litter of kittens in the universe.

I’m chewing gum right now.

It’s pretty good. Kinda minty, but not overwhelmingly so. You know that minty gum that’s so powerful that it makes your sinuses sting? It’s not like that. This gum tastes good.

It’s so easy to chew gum that you don’t even really have to think about it. Just keep on chewing as long as you want. There’s some old saying about not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time but I figure that’s more of a joke, because it’s pretty easy for me.

I just switched the gum to the other side of my mouth. It feels good against the new cheek. I like to switch it around from time to time. I don’t want it to get old. It’s pretty easy to switch it over - you just use your tongue.

I’ve been chewing it for a while since I had dinner. It gives me good breath. That’s not the only reason I’m chewing gum though. I also like the feeling of it. Kinda feels like a human tendon only with less gristle (at least that’s what my dad told me).

When I was a kid I chewed big square pieces of Bubblicious, but nowdays I just like chewing regular sticks of gum. That kid-stuff is past me. Besides, I heard from somebody that the watermelon Bubblicious has poison in it. No thanks! I’ll stick with the Dentine!

Have you ever had a gumball? Those things are crazy!

Sometimes I chew Fruit Stripe gum, but the flavor goes away too quick.

…okay now, what was I talking about?

Hey guys, I’ve moved this post. You can find my review for every Storyhill album here.

Enjoy!