Bare-Handed Buck Love ‘96
Man Kills Buck With Bare Hands in Bedroom
BENTONVILLE, Ark. (Nov. 1) - It looked like a crime scene, but no charges will be filed after Wayne Goldsberry killed a buck with his bare hands in his daughter’s bedroom.
The engagement lasted an exhausting 40 minutes, but Goldsberry finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at his daughter’s home Friday. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay on the bedroom floor, its neck broken.
Goldsberry was at his daughter’s home when he heard glass breaking. He went back to check on the noise and found the deer.
“I was standing about like this peeking around the corner when the deer came out of the bedroom,” said Goldsberry, demonstrating while peering around his kitchen wall. The deer ran down the hall and into the master bedroom - “jumping back and forth across the bed.”
Goldsberry entered the bedroom to confront the deer and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Goldsberry finally was able to grip the animal and twist its neck, killing it.
“He was trying to get up a corner wall and I just came in behind him and grabbed him by the horns and just started pushing down,” said Goldsberry.
Goldsberry, sore from the struggle, dragged the dead animal out of the house. He said he intended to have the deer processed for its meat.
This man needs to be the next president of the United States.
During this time of cultural malaise and partisan bickering, America needs a president who will come in, quickly assess the situation, and then viciously snap the neck of all who oppose him. Does anybody doubt that Wayne Goldsberry could kill Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands before processing him for his tough, sinewy meat?
If Goldsberry is elected, I would advise that he immediately kill another stag in front of the White House press corps in the Rose Garden, allowing the hot buck blood to drip down his chin for the American public to see and for the world to fear. He should then cry out in a haggard shout, “AMERICA! JOIN ME IN A FEAST OF BUCK BLOOD!”, before collapsing over the podium.
God, I’m getting fired up for this already!
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It’s been a long time since we’ve had a president that could kill a buck with his own hands. A damned long time.
I bet the campaign posters would be awesome.
Peter, you left out the best part of the whole article. This quote:
“He got kicked several times. He was walking bowlegged for awhile,” Deputy Doug Gay said.
Ha ha ha!
I also think it is funny that after describing this epic struggle, and how there was blood splattered on the walls and it was a huge horrible mess, they have this:
On Monday in Pine Bluff, the principal of Coleman Elementary School rid his building of a deer by opening a door.
I 100% wholeheartedly agree with you, Peter,…even though you are one of those damned Northerners.
Peter, you should be this man’s campaign manager.
wow, he’d be like a modern day svengali!
reminds me of bill braskey.
I think this guy should walk around wearing antlers, challenging every buck around.
If he becomes president, all congressmen should be forced to wear antlers as well.
http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2004/08/27/the-cabin-cocoon/
I’m way ahead of you, Sarah.
I once killed a secretary with my bare hands.
That’ll teach her.
Peter is getting all fired up. Remember Peter you are going to get married soon. You had better not go out trying to kill anything. Your fiance would be very upset if you had to post-pone the wedding. On the other hand your bachleor party is coming up…
Bill Brasky!
So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - “Billbrasky!” It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!
Oh, that Brasky!
So a while ago, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter, I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.
BILL BRASKY!!
I accept the nomination