So anyway, I finally took a knife to my car today.

Long story short, somehow the buckle on the shoulder strap of my seat belt made its way into the tiny slot-hole by the drivers-side door of my car. No idea how it got there, but it meant that I had to make the drive to and from work without a seat belt on. This was really no matter to me, since I rarely bother to use seat belts, mirrors, or brakes when driving. They cramp my style (e.g., insane cartoon villain).

Also, I’m afraid that if I wear a seatbelt people might think I’m gay.

At any rate, when I got home I knew I had to do something about this situation. Again, not because I need a functioning seat belt, but because I didn’t want to hurt the retail value of my 1996 Chevy Lumina with 220,000 miles on it. So I went upstairs and got my Leatherman. With its trusty adaptable blade I cut open the seat belt slot by a couple inches. I then switched the tool to pliers mode and ripped the plastic away, creating a gaping plastic chasm that the seat belt now empties into. In so doing, I both retrieved the buckle and added to the bold ruggedness of my car’s interior. This story demonstrates that I am a strong, decisive man.

Then I used the blade to scratch up some other dude’s car real bad.