This morning I discovered, much to my horror, that my wife and I are out of breakfast cereal.

For what seemed like an eternity, my heart raced into a raging panic attack. My pulse quickened, my nostrils flared, and my eyes widened like some Chex-craving Rasputin.

My mind quickly ran down my alternatives. Olives? No, too cold and salty for such an early hour. Cabbage? We don’t have any. Bath soap? Bridgette doesn’t like toothmarks in the soap…

Suddenly, I hit upon the solution. In the back of our pantry was a warped, browned old box of Quaker Instant Oatmeal. That’s it! Flavored oat-pulp! I found a packet labeled “Maple & Brown Sugar”, which looked promising. Indeed, the flavor of the maple tree has long satisfied the tongue-lusts of man and beast alike. Unfortunately, the oat-meal itself was a mite underwhelming. It was dry and rugged, and it made my mouth feel like the old homestead in The Grapes of Wrath.

In hindsight, I probably should have added water and cooked it, rather than just pouring the contents of the packet into my mouth.