February 1st
And so it begins. February.
The month of the damned.
These accursed 28 days are a pus and blood-ridden boil that blemishes our otherwise beautiful Julian calendar year. All glory and laud to the good Augustus Caesar who thusly shortened this vomit-laden month in order to lengthen his namesake month to a full 31 days (to match the length of his uncle Julius’ July). So let it be heralded to all: February blows.
To my mind, February recalls images of stagnant swamps reeking with drowned goats. It is redolent of raging lava pits and decaying fortresses, having long ago abandoned their stead. For others, February brings to mind the cruel murder of Abraham Lincoln, even though that occurred in April. For a few pathetic souls, February means the coming of Valentine’s Day, the most accursed, damnable day of the year (next to Canadian Thanksgiving). Indeed, I would rather be cooked alive than eat another flavorless candied heart carrying a grammatically incorrect (though amorous) two-word message.
And so, my friends, as I lock the deadbolt that will seal me inside my hidden bomb shelter for the duration of this lunar cycle, I wish all of you my best. You are better citizens than I for enduring the hopeless malaise of February. I hope to emerge on March 1st a gaunt, sallow man bearing glad tidings that February is again a full 11 months away.
Let me know how the Timberwolves do.
Categories:
Dude… Not cool… Not cool at all…
Shut up, bitch.
You single digit months are such assholes.
Why are you guys always fighting!!
*runs out crying*
all you jerks have some kind of holiday. what have i got? april FOOL’S day. i’m going to get like a ninja and come get you all in your sleep!
Un-fricking-believable. February is way worse than I am. Not next to, but worse.
April, you sometimes hace Easter, one of the greatest holidays of the year so shut your pie-hole!
I don’t think Peter’s going to be emerging from anywhere come March 1st if he skips a valentine to his lovely bride.
Honestly, January’s the worst month. It’s long, cold, and full
of groping Vulcans.
Dude, you get Easter like 90 percent of the time. I only get in like, leap years or whatever.
I hate all you people.
I love myself! I wish the whole year could be mine! I think you should all love yourselves, too, but not so much that I enjoy talking with you. You probably won’t be hearing from me again ever.
Oh, that is it July. I am going to hit you in the mouth! You only got where you were on the calendar by sleeping with December…
December loves me! And we’re going to have babies, and we’re going to sing…and dance!
May, easter is remembered by eggs and a big giant bunny that may or may not be real. your EVERY YEAR holiday is remembered by bbqs, corn on the cob, and falling face first into pies because you got too drunk off budweiser. who has the better end of the deal? God Bless America!
i’m going to tear december’s head off. that mf stole july from me! she said i just didn’t have enough days or something.
July,
December raped you under a highway overpass after consuming a bottle of brandy. That’s not love… That’s not love…
march, i think we should go burn december’s house down. january just got off work, he could come help too.
Hey April- none of this would have happened if you hadn’t kept your ho on a leash. You gotta learn to lock that down…
I meant “had” kept your ho on a leash. I am so toasted right now…
Whiny little April has the cruel murder of old Honest Abe, too. Stop being such a baby. I’ll slap you around like a red headed October.
hey, just realized i have the titanic and chernobyl too. but most importantly, ben franklin bought it in my month too.
eat it july! o’doyle rules!
And April is the winner!