My friends, I’ve come full circle.

Back in December of 2003, I began this blog with a clumsily-worded entry about buying new glasses. I talked about the stakes in doing so when I wrote that picking new frames was like determining what my face would look like until 2005. Well, over two years and 385 posts later, it came to be that time again early last week.

Time to go in and get new glasses.

Fortunately, on this go-around my wife was with me to direct me in the ways of style and dork-avoidance. We finally ended up buying a pair of thick framed glasses not unlike Adam’s, but mine are brown and better. And my new face was thusly determined. For the next couple years, I’m going to look like a bearded dude who hopped on the hipster bandwagon just a little bit too late. I will feel an ocean of shame as a result of this, which will likely result in an unstoppable wave of unsightly acne that will scar my face and soul for decades. The acne will be bulbous and shiny, and my myriad whiteheads will cause passersby to double over in revulsion. Hungry ravens will land in my unkempt hair, mistaking me for a bloated human corpse, and I will eagerly accept their companionship as it is all that remains for me. I will eat at Culvers thrice daily, consuming double butter burgers with distressing ferocity, as there will be no longer any reason to eat or behave in a responsible manner. In addition, I will aggressively throw the warm pickle slices at children.

We should’ve gotten the wire framed ones.