You guys like awkward stories told at my expense? Well I’ve got a doozy for you this morning.

Yesterday was a big day of work for me. We’re coming up on the end of the school year, which means that I’m getting observed by my supervisors as they make the decision on whether or not I will be returning next year. I was scheduled to be observed by my school’s director during my first period class, and I was feeling confident. Generally speaking, I feel assured in my profession, and I knew that I had a dynamic, informative lesson planned. The table was set for this important moment.

Until I parked my car, stepped out, and heard an audible ripping sound emanating from my groin. I had somehow torn a solid 5-inch hole into the crotch of my favorite, most comfortable work pants.

Unbelievable.

I quickly analyzed the situation. I didn’t have time to drive back home for new pants. A quick brush of my hand indicated that somebody looking at my behind would almost see more than they ever wanted to see from their social studies teacher. I scuttled inside, walking with my thighs pinched together like an oversized, clumsy penguin.

I was beginning to panic. I called my wife to have her bring in some new pants, but she wouldn’t be able to arrive until after my 1st period observation. I searched in vain for a safety pin that would have salvaged the situation, but found none. I was screwed.

Because of all this, my 1st hour students got a different teacher than they usually did. My feet stood nailed to the ground, afraid to move about, lest I terrify a room full of 11 year olds and my boss with a fleeting glimpse of my upper left thigh. Writing on the chalkboard was problematic, but I somehow managed to fill the board with messier-than-usual writing all the while facing my students. I was now beginning to sweat profusely, as well. The embarrassment of the situation, combined with the high stakes, was too much to handle. As I taught about the causes of World War I, I looked like an NBA player attempting a clutch 4th quarter free throw. Perspiration dripped off of me as if my forehead were a loosened fire hydrant. I continually lost my train of thought as I felt the occasional cooling draft ran through the gaping hole in my pants.

Truly, truly I tell you, it absolutely sucked gibbon ass.

I’m also starting to wonder why I wore those pants again today…