Why are you so sad?

I see that you are crying. Can I get you a Kleenex? I desire to console you in your moment of sorrow.

I, too, have often felt emotional pain. I remember when my cat died, I was nearly disconsolate. My heart ached with longing for my cat.

Or maybe it was my neighbor’s cat. I don’t exactly recall. At any rate, it blew. Big time.

What’s that? Your tears do not reflect feline-sorrow of any sort? It is of no matter. I was simply trying to empathize with you. It is a gift of mine, you see.

Empathy - the hollow feast of the damned.

Maybe that was too much. Was it too much? I’m just attempting to demonstrate that I hear your pain and understand it. Sometimes I have a tendancy to get overly dramatic. Like the time I tore my tunic in two to empathize with my wife’s frustration in rush-hour traffic. That episode was unfortunate, especially considering I was on my way to a job interview.

Anyway, let’s stay on topic here. You. Your pain. Your world is collapsing, and there is nothing you can do about it but weep bitterly. It is over. All your dreams have vanished into dust, like my grandmother’s original hip. There is nothing for you now. All that remains is sorrow and nightmarish troll-rape.

What’s this? You say you aren’t unhappy at all? Your tears are merely a reaction to the onion you are slicing? I see. And no empathy is necessary, given your current situation? Indeed…

Well, if you are ever in need of some sympathy and a warm touch, please don’t hesitate to come my way. I can usually be found eating out of the dumpster behind the Burger King on Washington Avenue. I would be happy to service you again!

I just threw away what remained of the filthiest, most revolting sandwich I’ve ever tasted in my life.

Between engagements, I stopped at a convenient nearby Subway and picked up a 6″ chicken parmesan sandwhich. I must have rubbed the lady the wrong way because she proceded to fix me up something that tasted like a hobo’s crotch.

What the hell did I do to anybody to deserve this? This thing was just unspeakably awful. Like a drunken sorority girl had barfed up a salmon dinner and then placed it between two slices of monterey cheddar bread before returning to the bar with her friends for more fruity drinks.

Anyway, long story short, I ended up getting bitten a few times by a rattlesnake and now I’m in the hospital.

EMOTION!!!

Sorry about that. I’ve just been watching Dawson’s Creek re-runs with my wife on weekday mornings.

SUMMERTIME ROMANCE AND HEARTBREAK!!! ARRGGH!

Let me tell you something about Dawson Leary - his season one haircut (quasi-mullet) is formidable and laden with bittersweet emotions.

YOUNG ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE AMIDST ROMANTIC TRIANGLES!!!!

People sure do talk fast in Capeside, Mass. Is the water there laced with speed or something? Their rate of speach makes the cast of Gilmore Girls and E.R. look like they’re guzzling Ny-Quil.

I DON’T WANNA WAIT FOR MY LIFE TO BE OVER!! I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW WHAT WILL IT BE!!!!!!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNGH!!!!!!!!!!

My best part of Dawson’s Creek was the moment when Jen died in the final episode.

The following is a spam email I received this morning:

Demetrius said to me that you were stimulated in what I discovered earlier today.

After floating around the net I came upon http://iqdgs.sameemptyrelve.org/jv/.

-Rodger

Sounds like ol’ Rodger and Demetrius had a fine conversation. Let’s imagine it, shall we?

Rodger: Greetings, Demetrius!

Demetrius: Welcome, dear Rodger. I trust my manservant saw to your needs last evening.

Rodger: He did very well indeed. How is your cancer progressing?

Demetrius: Quite poorly. Say, I am reminded that I wanted to tell you something.

Rodger: Why go right ahead!

Demetrius: Peter Welle was stimulated in what you discovered earlier today.

Rodger: What, the discovery your manservant assisted me in?

Demetrius: Precisely.

Rodger: How would he even come to know of my discovery? My findings have not yet been published!

Demetrius: Do not be concerned. T’would be enough to send along some information to him through a disreputable website via unsolicited electronic mail.

Rodger: Good form, Demetrius! After tea, I will procede to float around the internet until the appropriate site is found and forwarded along to the young man.

Demetrius: Should I remove my shirt now?

Rodger: Indeed!

Thanks again for the help, boys!

One of the pleasures of being a history teacher is being able to assign myself some sweet summer reading. Here’s a rundown of what’s on my list:

Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
by Jared Diamond
A really fascinating, broad look why European culture emerged as such a dominant force, rather than African, Asian, or Native American.

101 Elephant Jokes
These jokes are freaking hilarious! Bridgette says I spend more time reading my elephant jokes than I do talking to her! Then she gets mad.

A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous 14th Century
by Barbara W. Tuchman
The Black Death, the Hundred Years’ War, papal schisms, Chaucer, feudalism’s decline - all these and more in the lovely 1300s!

My Thoughts on Government Conspiracies, Fast Food, Shopping Carts, and Other Assorted Topics
by Clem, a local homeless man of some repute.

The Name of the Rose
by Umberto Eco
A fiction novel (a rarity for me) about a series of murders and theological debates in a 14th century abbey. A dark look into the religious medieval perspective.

I Can Eat 96 Cheese-Filled Hot Dogs in One Hour
a pamphlet by my father, Chet Welle

1776
by David McCullough
This was a birthday gift from my in-laws, and although it seems like everybody has already read this, I’m still anxious to pick it up, even if only because I’m a fan of McCollough’s John Adams.

It Stings When I Poop and Other Revelations
by Dan Brown

So many big name celebrities are doing voiceovers for commercials nowdays!

Matt Dillon does the Pontiac ads, Gene Hackman narrates the Lowe’s spots, and Charlie Sheen reads for the Subaru commercials. Let’s not forget that Jon Lovitz has dragged Subway’s advertising to new depths and Catherine Zeta-Jones has apparently retired from actual acting to do T-Mobile commercials full time. Watching the ad breaks on television has become a veritable parade of the who’s who in Hollywood!

What’s next? Gary Sinise doing commercials for Apple Jacks? Wilford Brimley reading ads for Insane Mustachioed Man Aftershave? Barbara Bush becoming the spokewoman for Adidas? Who must I sent the telegram to in order to make this happen? Do people even send telegrams anymore? Is morse code still involved? But I don’t know morse code! Somebody, direct me please! I am paralyzed with inaction! I need my medication!! I am afraid!!