I’ve got a question for you.

This weekend, I brought home Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: Director’s Cut, so Bridgette and I could see the director’s original vision of his 1989 classic. Needless to say, we were underwhelmed.

So here’s my question. Why would the director re-insert an ending where Ronnie and Russell (the neighbor boys) after bring returned to their normal size, are molested at gunpoint by Rick Moranis?! It ruins the whole movie! It was awful - it lasted 22 minutes, and Rick Moranis had such a dirty mouth all of this sudden!

Shame on you, Disney and Rick Moranis!

How many grapes do you think exist in the universe?

200? A billion? 35,000?

I don’t know the answer either, but I have a feeling that there are a ton of them. I eat them a lot!

I tried looking it up on Google, but I couldn’t find him. I have to admit, I don’t even know who this Google is or what he looks like. I’m not the guy for technical details!

I met the internet one time, but he robbed me at gunpoint and hit me on my left temple with the butt of his internet-gun. The police yelled at me when I told them about it.

I like pudding even more than grapes! Can we have pudding?

This has been an entry by Jonathan, a dim, but good-spirited individual who does not understand many important concepts.

There are four things I love in this world:

1. America.

We will fight you.

2. Manifest Destiny.

We will subdue and civilize all the world! It is ordained by God!

3. The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act of 1930.

I agree with Herbert Hoover and his protectionist tariffs meant to promote U.S. agricultural interests. He was perhaps the greatest president in history.

But above all of these, there is something I love even more.

4. Godfather’s Pizza.

If ever a pizza chain were the inheritor of the aforementioned Manifest Destiny, it would be Godfather’s. Their pizza is succulent, their soda is servicable, and their seating is bountiful. Truly, within the browned walls of Godfather’s is a fertile land flowing with tomato sauce and meat toppings piled a full three inches high. Their pizzas are both a mouth-watering delight and a gastrointestinal grenade.

We here at the John Larroquette Project salute you, Godfather’s Pizza! You make suicide a slightly less attractive option for us all!

New from Keebler! Sandies Fudge Drops!

Fudge Drops. That’s quite a name there. What were the other names considered? Fudge Ploppings? Shitlets? Cookies ‘n’ Excrement?

Am I the only one who thought that?

I just finished making a mix CD for my friend Adam.

It’s a tricky thing, putting a mix together, especially for a man as tastefully discerning as old Adam. I had to choose the proper 18 songs for him, not merely my favorite songs of the moment. A tasteful mix of obscure tracks from favorites like Doves, Embrace, and U2, with a few beauties from lesser-known acts like Red House Painters, Kubla Khan, and Sigur Ros.

Also, I included the song “Freedom Isn’t Free” from the Team America: World Police soundtrack, because the song speaks the truth. If you don’t like America, move out. If you refuse, I will inform Sean Hannity of your disloyalty and he will personally rape you.

It’s important to choose a catchy, concise name for the disk when giving a mix CD away. In this case, I’ve entitled Adam’s collection, “The Joe Mauer Mix”, since Adam and I recently went to a Twins game together, and because Joe Mauer is the baby Jesus of the Minnesota sports scene.

Also, I read on the internet that Joe Mauer eats the brains of the mentally ill for strength.

In addition to my careful song selection, a mix CD from me comes with that personal touch that makes a gift mean so much. Before giving the disk away, I always spray the jewel case with my scent to ward off competitors and feral raccoons. One whiff of my urinary fragrance will send those bastards hissing back to their filthy underground dwellings.

And that’s about it. Maybe someday, if you’re lucky, you’ll be on the receiving end of a mix CD from me!

Probably not, though.

What a marvelous birthday I had! Glory, hallelujah!

Let me list the blessings granted unto me to honor the start of my 29th year of life:

-On Friday evening, there was a splendid gathering of my friends and Kevin. We ate malted milkshakes together and many hearty handshakes were exchanged. Not even the unexplained arrival of a ravenous mountain cat from the restaurant’s kitchen could mar the evenings pleasantries, though several nearby children were eaten alive before the beast could be subdued.

-I was given many fascinating books, including:
“Team of Rivals” by Doris Kearns Goodwin
“In the Wake of the Plague” by Norman Cantor
“Vintage Thicke: My Life as America’s Cheerfully Benign Father Figure” by beloved television superstar Alan Thicke.

-My wife wisely balanced out these history books with a deft purchase of a Beavis and Butthead DVD collection for me. I am seriously fired up that my wife did this for me.

-On Saturday afternoon, a mysterious stranger unlocked the mysteries of all goblin knowledge to me. He also offered to wash off my windshield for $1.25.

-My mother-in-law gave me some expensive cologne. It smells like corn on the cob.

-My sister purchased tickets for her and I to see the EELS in concert next week. No word yet on if the “Susan’s House” dude will be there.

-My grandmother-in-law sent me a lovely card and $10 cash. While the dollar amount was certainly measly, I probably had it coming after the Thank-You Card fiasco.

-I fought a bunch of dudes and beat the hell out of all of them, though no details of this incident will be forthcoming.

-I got a very nice watch from my wife. It keeps track of what time it is so I know when I should poop.