There are four things I love in this world:

1. America.

We will fight you.

2. Manifest Destiny.

We will subdue and civilize all the world! It is ordained by God!

3. The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act of 1930.

I agree with Herbert Hoover and his protectionist tariffs meant to promote U.S. agricultural interests. He was perhaps the greatest president in history.

But above all of these, there is something I love even more.

4. Godfather’s Pizza.

If ever a pizza chain were the inheritor of the aforementioned Manifest Destiny, it would be Godfather’s. Their pizza is succulent, their soda is servicable, and their seating is bountiful. Truly, within the browned walls of Godfather’s is a fertile land flowing with tomato sauce and meat toppings piled a full three inches high. Their pizzas are both a mouth-watering delight and a gastrointestinal grenade.

We here at the John Larroquette Project salute you, Godfather’s Pizza! You make suicide a slightly less attractive option for us all!