So Bridgette and I close on our new house Thursday morning.

It’s been a long, convoluted, and frustrating process thus far, but we’re finally nearing the end of this odyssey. We’ve dealt with scheduling difficulties and unexpected loan complications, and it feels good to be nearing the end. Unfortunately, the closing process has become far more difficult than is usually necessary.

Apparently, the location for our closing can only be reached by crossing a rickety rope bridge suspended precariously over a lake of boiling fire. We must dodge the missiles of hellfire being shot from the searing anuses of the Realty-goblins, flying through the air with their leathery wings. Once we reach the far side of the lake of fire, our character will be tested by the omniscient Oracle. This powerful blue orb will peer deep into our souls in search of fear and weakness. If we show even the tiniest hint of trepidation the Oracle will cause our hearts to explode and our bellies to burst open with mice. If, on the other hand, we show that we are virtuous and true, the Oracle will let us pass and grant us a Dairy Queen coupon for our efforts.

Then we have to pass through a corn maze.

Once we are near the end of our journey, we must engage the seller’s agent in mortal combat. Fighting him with my broadsword (Bridgette gets a crossbow), I must defeat him before the sands pass through the hourglass and we become frozen in crystal for seven eternities.

After that, we sign a couple papers and that’s basically it.