The lenses of my glasses are dirty. As I write this, my vision is obstructed by the tiny flecks of skin and debris that have collected on the lenses.

I think there might also be some barbecue sauce on there from the other night.

I suppose a reasonable person would simply remove their glasses and wipe off the lenses, but as all of you already know, I am not a reasonable man. Instead, I am a man who pursues every insane fantasy and indulges every impetuous impulse that enters his transom. I’m like Dennis Rodman huffing glue.

And so, my friends, the particles will continue to collect on my lenses until such point where I have become effectively blind. I will become a hazard on the road and in the hallways as I slam into passersby with utter disregard for the innocent children of our world. Lint and tiny debris will fly from my glasses upon impact and I will forcefully shout my full name again and again. This violent course of action will make the Tiananmen Square Massacre look like a friendly game of checkers between adults with mild mental disabilities.

Sorry, guys. I guess I’m just in kind of a sour mood this morning, and I let that bleed into my post. This literally has never happened before.

I could really go for a couple of horse tranquilizers right about now…

I’ve got a Mounds bar at my desk with me.

It’s been sitting in my drawer for a few days. I bought it on a whim, and I just haven’t bothered to eat it yet. Maybe I’ll end up eating it today. You never know.

Mounds bars are pretty good. Coconut covered in dark chocolate. Admittedly not the most natural, wholesome snack in the world (”sulfur dioxide” is listed among the ingredients). However, I have to say that Mounds is still far superior to Almond Joy. That single almond sitting there might as well be a cat turd as far as I’m concerned.

Have you ever had a Mounds bar? You should try one sometime. Maybe next time you could eat a Mounds bar instead of getting a divorce.

I’m sorry. Are the two not comparable? I guess I’m sometimes a bit naive about these things. In my head it seemed reasonable that taking a bite of Mounds’ delicious combination of coconut and chocolate would take your mind off the irreconcilable differences and repeated infidelity in your marriage. Well, it looks like I put my foot in my mouth again.

Seriously though, all things considered, you should try a Mounds bar. Don’t try one now while you’re mad at me, because your judgment will be clouded. Wait a couple days until this has passed over and then pick one up.

It’ll blow your mind.

In order to finish my Master’s degree in education, I need to write a research paper on a topic in my field and complete one more elective course. I’m saving the paper for this summer, when I have more time to write, but the elective begins this week. According to the course catalogue, the class is called Understanding Theories of Cognition for Instruction.

Sounds stupid.

I bet it’s a bunch of stuff about different cognitive styles and adapting your classroom to suit students with different needs. Boring. I bet we don’t even get to watch movies.

I heard that the students call this teacher Old Man Cooper, because he’s all old and saggy. What an idiot. Who cares about this stuff anyway? It’s, like, how am I supposed to write four pages on my cognitive style? Everything is so dumb.

Did you hear what Stacy said about you? She said that you’re fat and your clothes are dumpy and that the only reason you made out with Brice is because you’re desperate. Also, she said you’re a racist.

Grad school sucks.

Another tasty morsel from the Rock TV vault!

This video is from Spring, 2002, before I was involved in the ministry, so I can’t take any credit for it. For those who know Todd Luker, his fingerprints are all over this one. He loves concepts involving the personification of inanimate objects (teddy bears, socks, etc.) I’m personally not as interested in making videos like that, which is probably why we haven’t made anything like this ever again, but I can certainly appreciate and enjoy it. My favorite bit in this one is the speeder-popcan sequence near the end.

We hesitated putting this video online for a long time because of copyright issues, but then ol’ Thom did a bit of research and found out that we can use clips of these songs because they’re a direct parody. Hooray for loopholes!

Enjoy! We’re getting close to shooting the next video, so a new one should be ready by late February!

On Wednesday, I won the hearts of America with my State of the Blog address. Among my sweeping proposals was my firm commitment that the John Larroquette Project will never be derailed into becoming a babyblog.

This morning, Kathy offered her devastating rebuttal.

Never before in the history of this blog have I been so thoroughly outmaneuvered and outclassed. I have always prided myself in my classy sophistication, but on this cold and dreary morning, hers is the blog with the urbane witticisms and thoughtful insight.

I salute you, Kathy. At least for this morning, you have out JLP’ed the JLP.

Lonely?

Sure you are!

Here’s a recipe for you to follow!

2 pounds happiness
1/3 cup of friendliness
2 tbsp thoughtfulness
1 cup of cheerfulness
a pinch of cuddliness
4 black olives

Lovingly mix them all together in a salad bowl, and let rise overnight.

Here’s what you get!

Be sure to follow the directions carefully though!

For instance, if you substitute green olives for black ones, here’s what will greet you in the morning:

Happy happiness everybody!