State of the JLP
My friends, the state of this blog is strong.
[APPLAUSE]
I stand here before you tonight, having authored the John Larroquette Project for over three years, and ask for your continued support. Together we have endured many hardships. Working a boring, repetitive job at NCS Pearson. Going to graduate school in the evenings. An unpaid semester of student teaching. This blog has known hardship, but, like an iron scythe forged in fire, the John Larroquette project has emerged with a firm resolve.
[RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE]
I do not stand here intending to merely relive our past, but to lay the foundation for this blog’s future. I would like to take this opportunity to make a personal promise to all of you: the John Larroquette Project will never become a babyblog.
[THUNDERING APPLAUSE]
So many of our blogging comrades have fallen by the wayside in this journey. Their once-proud blogs tragically derailed by cuddly little chubby-cheeked attention-bags. We salute their service to the blogosphere and mourn their passing. I pledge to you that if that joyous day comes when I become a father, I will not detail my child’s weight and length. I will not describe their stools, and I will not document in pointless detail their visits to the doctor. Instead, this blog will continue to discuss the pertinent issues of our day: awkwardness, gluttony, and violence directed at helpless animals.
[ROUSING APPLAUSE]
Turn your attention, if you will, to this blog’s header. There you will see Snuggles, a dead cat lying on the road. I have brought Snuggles with me today to recognize his sacrifice for the greater good of the John Larroquette Project. Snuggles, by his humorous death, has earned our respect.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Now turn your gaze to the photograph of Ben Franklin holding a can of Stroh’s and a deer antler. This simple, dignified image sums up all that is good about this blog, and indeed, the United States. Ben Franklin, were he alive today, would certainly have sucked down cheap booze to the point of extreme inebriation and proceeded to vomit off the back deck after telling amusing anecdotes about the signing of the Treaty of Paris. There is no doubt about this contention among esteemed historians. For this amazing fact, he is truly a hero to this blog.
[HALF THE ROOM STANDS IN APPLAUSE]
The John Larroquette project has stood strong in the stiff winds of the past three years. Through it all, this blog has evolved into the half-assed slop receptacle it is today. Thank you for your support, and for your pithy comments.
May God bless America.
[87-MINUTE STANDING OVATION]
Categories:
I anxiously await Kathy’s rebuttal.
I am willing to reach across the aisle and work with Kathy in a bipartisan way.
*APPLAUSE*
I wish I had a blog like yours.
That’s Ben Franklin? I thought that was a picture of me.
Adam, my blog is just like any other blog, except moreso.
I think you could get a lot of mileage out of baby stool. You should really reconsider that one.
I have to agree with Pat. But in order to maintain your morals perhaps you could blog about other couples’ baby’s stool. I think a compromise can be reached here.
Stool photo blog!
If Peter needs any fresh baby stool for a photo blog, I can get them to him free of charge. Just let me know what color, we currently have a dark brown and yellow on tap.
Compromise is the first sign of defeat.
I hate to be the buzzkill in all this hooplah, but I gotta ask a technical question. How come I can’t get to the blog entries for the first half of any month? I missed January 1st thru 15th and I want to catch up.
People are now offering you poop, Peter. I am not sure exactly how you are supposed to respond, but you had better make it quick or you could get bagfuls of unwanted poop.
i applaude you sir for staying steadfast in refusal of posting about drooling and babbling baby talk. i have also seen the tragedies of friends who have let that happen.
can you sign my JLP program?
newbie, this is an annoyance of my site. To see more posts just add “/page2″ to the end of the url.
And Scott, consider it signed the next time I make it down to Louisiana.
Newbie…don’t trust Peter. He actually always hates the posts from the first have of each month and wants them to vanish.
Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy Poopy
Peter. My baby has been poopless for five days now. Today, I will be implanting a rectal laxative to coax the poop out. When it comes, I will provide you with a photo and the have it couriered over to your home with my supreme thanks and appreciation for your support of The Grundi.
By the way, what’s your new address, again?
wait….kevin garnett’s kid is constipated? gross.
Peter, please see my full rebuttal on my blog.
[...] State of the Blog Address Posted in Uncategorized by dbovenmyer on the January 28th, 2007 http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2007/01/24/state-of-the-jlp/ [...]